everybody hates stick bitches...

got damn right.  i'm gonna have to go a little out of order for this one.  i just got wind of this just a while ago, and thought it very pertinent that i should interject this into the blawg.

apparently i've been called something along the lines of "intimidating" by one of the students...to the point where this particular student feels uncomfortable being in my group.  one of my bosses, called "connie," came and spoke to me about it.  she was talkin' 'bout this girl (who will be called "jackie") who honestly doesn't do anything i ask her to do...unless i repeat it at least fifty times.  and hell, even then it's a coin toss with a fixed coin to see if she's actually going to do it.  don't get me wrong; she's a smart girl.  but damn, what the hell is going on with the quality of this program?  i started doing this program three years ago and the kids at that time were great.  they were kids who were nominated to be here by respected members of their communities (teachers and what not).  they were excited to be here, and it showed in their enthusiasm and willingness to work, as well as their unnecessary need to follow every single direction given to them.

these damn kids now...i think we've run out of those kinds of kids.  really.  we've run out.  we're fresh out.  the kinds of kids we get now are smart...book smart, that is.  they don't really have a lick of common sense.  they are just regular kids, not the exceptionally bright and ambitious kids who used to frequent this program. somehow, this has turned into the internationally diverse version of a minstrel show.  we, the "teachers," have our hands full with trying to deal with these sh*ts.  they constantly do things that regular kids who would never get a recommendation to come here do.  again, we've run out of good kids.

so then, what brings me to this soap box rant that has superseded a blawg post that i had planned?  this jerk "jackie" has told my boss some things about me that have been taken out of context (of course, because telling the actual events would have been too much like right) and i've come out once again looking like the bad guy.  don't get me wrong; i love to play that part when it comes to children.  i think i've mentioned it before in a previous blawg, but i think now's a good time to re-emphasize it.  it is not in my nature to cater to the whims of children.  last time i checked...i was the adult and adults tell children what to do.  i don't think that i will ever tell a child to do something that will intentionally put him/her in danger (unless i feel the need to).  i think i'm digressing...it's getting late and i'm getting tired.

i haven't been getting the sleep that i've been getting.  i had worked myself in the past to a point where i could get everything prepped and ready and be in bed in time to get me a good eight to ten hours of sleep.  i had everything down to a science, a science.  remember, when you're really wanting to emphasize a point you have to repeat it.  you just have to repeat it.  now i'm finding myself in a position where i feel like it's my very first time doing the program.  i think it's because not only did i not want to come this year, but i'm doing a subject that i have never done before.  i've become an NYSP virgin, lol.  so i'm constantly walking around this inanely huge campus setting up stuff that i don't really know about, and trying to understand what the hell i'm trying to do.

i digress.  because speaking of trying to do things, this girl jackie has been trying to get on my nerves.  in addition to her not doing what she's been asked to do, she has some weird obsession with sticks.  i mean sticks like from outside.  every time we go outside she finds a large stick, picks it up, swings it around, and investigates it like a bird.  everyday this week so far, she has taken sticks and followed those procedures.  yesterday she had a branch.  i know it was a branch because it had twigs and each twig was full of leaves.  i simply had to stare at her.  i didn't say a word; i just stared.  finally, after a few minutes she asked why i was staring.

me: baby, if i'm looking at you crazy, it's probably because i've asked you to leave the sticks alone and you keep not leaving them alone.

so anyway, connie tells me that jackie has been telling her mom these things that make me sound much worse than i really am, and that bothers me.  it's a pet peeve of mine when people come to me charged up and i have no clue why, especially considering that things have been said about me that are either untrue or taken completely out of context.  damn i'm tired; i can't hardly think straight, lol.  so connie told me that jackie might be moving to tootie's classroom, to which i calmly (yet excitingly) replied, "move her."  i ain't got no time (sic) for anymore buffoonery than what i'm already dealing with this week.  it's already a sh*tty week here in general anyway, so what good is it to add a silly ho into the mix?  move her arse, dammit, move her arse.

i told connie that my feelings were not gonna be hurt if she moved because, honestly, i have better things to do than waste my time on ignorant b*tches whose sole purposes in life are to be trippin'.  connie said that she wants to ask jackie one more time if she's sure that she wants to move.  i don't have time for that...again. if she wants to move, if she even has an inkling that she may possibly be thinking about trying to want to move, move her arse.  tear her arse.  kick her arse.  but don't keep her in my room if she's going to be "uncomfortable."  it wouldn't be right.  and besides, we might actually get work done.

this blawg makes no sense.  maybe next time i'll be in a better state of mind.

sierra mist is really good when it's been doctored up,

-w

everybody hates being dragged back...

damn, it's been a long time, hasn't it?  so much has happened that i was practically cajoled into blawging.  the funny thing, though, is a whole bunch of ish has been going on at the school, and i swear to all that is holy that i will try and get that blawged, including the student who stole money from me.  yes, the students who stole money from me...twice.  it was hilariously awful, and i couldn't really do much besides laugh about it.  once you get the whole story, you'll laugh too.  that i promise you.

anyway, here i am, back doing this summer program that i had resolved not to do this year.  i'll give you a minute to go back to the blawgs written about this same time last year to re-familiarize yourself with the ridiculous cast of characters that you were subjected to...which could be thought of as unfortunate.  so go ahead; i'll wait.

waiting...




still waiting...




don't worry; i'm still here...




you shouldn't be much longer now...




and...done.




so now that you've relived the glory days of this particular summer camp as i have, let me give you a low down of who returned, as well as some new characters.  first of all, i must STRESS the fact that i did not plan on doing this road trip/work job.  no, i did not.  my original summer plan for the 2012 year was to do p90x and get myself in better shape.  oh yes, i need to...badly.  my resolve was to make a successful transition from XL shirts to L shirts.  i was well on my way when tamera (of tia and tamera, the doublemint twins) called me out of the gray (because it was raining hard that day) to get me to drive to north carolina for the camp.

actually, let me go a little further back.  i started getting random texts and facebook messages from jeanette (remember her?  she has an unhealthy obsession with beef hearts) quite a while ago saying that i needed to come to north carolina.  it was a multiple time thing.  this girl kept reminding me that i was absolutely needed at north carolina, like i'm some kind of savior.  now don't get me wrong...i'm a pretty big deal almost everywhere i go, but it was a little bit much.  then jerome, of all people, started texting me.  it went a little something like this:

jerome: man, i don't know why they think i'm like the trump card that can persuade you to work this year.
me: lol.
jerome: i know man.
me: lol.
jerome: so are you coming?
me: lol.

when it comes to jerome, he's got some swagger with me, so i started considering it.  let me introduce the fact that i had a lot going on this summer.  i had my plans for the summer set, but this whole NYSP thing got me all out of sorts.  can we add something else on top of that?  i moved...or rather, i'm in the process of moving.  my volleyball buddy, matt, had a kind of a situation with his roommate.  i was having a situation with my roommate, it's a long story.  long story short...i ended up moving out of my comfy townhome apartment into what i can only call the halfway house.  i only call it that because the actual apartment we're moving into isn't ready yet, so we've gotta stay in matt's old apartment until it's ready.

needless to say, i had to drop out of p90x after a month...again...

so anyway...the current roster of buffoons here is quite different from what it has been in the past.  some of the returning characters include jerome, who is probably the main reason i came (which could possibly end up ultimately being his fault...i'll explain later).  let's see, jeanette is here.  jakob is here, but only when he's not turned sideways from you.  then he disappears.  yes, folks, he's that thin.  tootie is here as well.  unfortunately, she has not grown.  she's a very straight up 4'9"...from the rooter to the tooter.  kenan, of course, is here.  kel, on the other hand, is not in attendance this time round.  well a good blawger knows how to work his sources...  apparently (and imagine that i'm saying this in an honestly sincere voice) he is moved to california doing modeling/acting work.  i wish him the best.  it just won't be the same without him.  it's like mario without bowser.  it's like austin powers without dr. evil.  batman without the joker.  professor x without magneto.  you get the picture.  shirley is here as well, although laverne is missing in action.  also missing are stallone and shania.  everybody remembers those two cute mary-kate and ashley olsen-ish girls who everyone stared at, as well as stared at.  it's funny because they've been replaced by two look-alikes, who i guess i'll call "twilight" and "katy."  more on that later.  let's see...who else is here?  "mia" is here as well.  i don't think i ever mentioned her last year.  she usually flies under the radar, which is why i guess she never made it on here...but dammit she's earned a place on here this go round.  why?  oh...more to come.  well, i'm being harassed by jeanette to publish this thing so i'm gonna end this for now.

damn i'm tired,

-w

everybody hates peace signs...

well, this blawg is happening live and on location, from my classroom.  that's right; i am blawging any- and everywhere.  as it turns out, we had a field trip today for the fourth graders.  out of a possible eighty-seven students, sixty-seven went.  one might ask why.  one would be asking a great question.  field trips are extracurricular activities, and as such are not required.  basically, these damn kids don't have to go on a field trip because it's not a mandatory thing.

well, a certain student, who will be given the extraordinary name "anpanman" (to be explained in a bit), was one of the students who was not allowed to go.  and why not?  let's make a list, and check it twice:

• he does not follow the rules
• he does not pay attention in class
• he does not pay attention in the hall
• he does not listen to instructions
• he does not do his homework
• he does not do his schoolwork
• he does not participate in class
• he does not tell the truth
• he does not follow directions
• he does not get along with other students
• he does not get along with other teachers
• he does not ever smile
• he does not sit in his seat correctly
• he does not know how to be quiet
• he does not keep his hands, feet, or objects to himself
• he does not know how to mind grown folks
• he does not know how to answer questions (which is a major pet peeve of mine)
• he does not show respect to anyone in the school
• he does not complete any assignments he is given

the damn list just goes on and on.  notice, though, that in every instance there were the words "he does not."  that's probably the theme song of his life..."he does not."  this lazy n*gga just does not do anything.  the reason, meanwhile, i gave him the name "anpanman" is because he bears a striking resemblance to a certain japanese anime character, named anpanman...

minus the smile, of course, because the student just does not smile...

harvey, a fellow colleague and teammate of mine, once asked him why he never smiles, to which he replied: "this just how i look."  apparently, cece and trip, the reading and writing teachers (respectively) aren't doing their grammatical jobs.  harvey and i have to do everything around here.

so, anyway, it is decided that he will not go.  the main villain in this blawg is surprisingly not anpanman, but his raggedy, nasty, ignorant, trifling, shiftless, self-indulgent, instigating, hypocritical, two-faced, bald-headed, stoopid, stereotypical, no sense having, inexcusable, sadistic, bullying, sardonically challenged, hellish, evil, foolish, buffoonish, inconceivable, unyielding, yet churchgoing mother.

oh yes, the mama.  meeting her was probably the biggest mistake i've made this year to date.  she's just awful.  i don't think that there are enough words in the english language to describe her.  the ones i used really don't do her justice the way she needs.  i'll call her..."etta."  etta has been the root of all the evil drama that has gone down at this damn school since before i started working here.  she is the kind of person who likes to always have her way, and then go over your head and run downtown to the administration building when things don't end up the way she thinks they should.  when i first met her i was like that commercial...this bitch is actually an alive entity.

so this heifer comes up to my door in her usual bullying fashion and asks why her son cannot attend the field trip.  i told her that his behavior was not, and has not been good, he doesn't do his work, he doesn't pay attention...i basically ran down the list with her.  i concluded by telling her that we, the THE fourth grade team, did not think that all of that deserved to be rewarded with a field trip.  she replied with a simple "okay" and took off towards the office, where the principal was.  that's how this jackarse is.  she likes to go over your head until she gets her way.  that makes her a bully...but i thought we were all grownups...

our principal called the four of us teachers into his office and told us that she explicitly told him (and this is verbatim): "he's going on that field trip."

you have got to be f*cking kidding me.  we ran down a whole list of problems that this squishy faced n*gga has in school, but he's going on the field trip?  i was supposed to be going, but i decided that very moment that i would not.  cece had to go in my place today because had i seen either of them i would have lost my damn job...or what's left of it.

so we did a conference call...to the dad, who seemed generally disinterested in anything we had to say.  he said that he hadn't heard anything from his wife.  we were like, "n*gga, that's a communication issue between you and that bitch of yours; that has nothing to do with us."  we finally got hold of this stoopid ho', and she said that she had problems with us...ALL of us teachers, because nobody ever tells her when her son is doing anything wrong.  she said that she brings him to school every day, and gives us multiple opportunities to speak with her, yet we never do.  so we went around the speakerphone and took turns trying to talk to her.

trip went first...and should never have gone.  i usually keep it together, but i really wanted to hang the phone up...

trip: well, what i have to say is...

etta: that don't make no sense to me.

trip: i'm trying to say...

etta: you need to tell me something else.

trip: well, your son doesn't...

etta: you don't make no sense.

trip: can i speak my piece now?

etta: no, we ain't talkin' 'bout no peace sign.  we're talkin' 'bout my child.

trip: well i keep trying to speak, but you keep interrupting me.

etta: we ain't gon' get nowhere with you being sarcastic.

and so went the conversation.  she sounded like she was going to break into a verse of "dem ol' cotton fields back yonder" and move back to "gone with the wind."  i mean this monkey was out of control.  we all told her (with the exception of harvey, who i think would really have jumped through the phone and choked the sh*t out of her) more or less the same things about her child, and she was in denial the entire time.  and although she was in denial, she insisted that her child is not a bad child, but she acknowledges that he can do things every now and then.  THEN (and this is the part that took me out of the game), she said that if he's acting up then she can understand that, and she's not going to reward any bad behavior of his, but he's going to be absent from school because he's going on the field trip.

take a minute to process that particular group of words strung together in that particular order...

whatever this queen of the damned is on, put me some in a doggy bag and leave me to the wolves.  she wants to be communicated with?  i will never speak with her again, unless she really wants me to speak my mind, which i will.  i will only communicate with her in writing.  she doesn't deserve my voice time.  i've got better things to do, like learning to write larger, because the beauty pageant reject scrutinized my handwriting, saying that she needed a magnifying glass to read it.  next time i will write even smaller, microscopic even.

congratulations, etta, you have earned a spot on my sh*t list.

(time lapse)

PS: but wait...there's more.  i just came from lurnch with the rest of my THE fourth grade team and cece was telling me that she called this idiot last night to discuss some of the things that she said.  i hda to hurry off so i couldn't fit everything in that blawg, and i probably won't be able to get it all in now either.

cece was about to tell her something, but she prefaced it with "and i think i speak for the whole fourth grade team."  etta thought she was referring to something else, which was of course, wrong.  so she blurted out with a triumphant and somewhat maniacal "NO...NO MA'AM...UH UH...NO."  cece said she had to call her last night to tell her that that bothered her...only to find out that my name came up.

among the issues that this trifling bitch has with me, here are the top three:

1. i cursed anpanman out.
2. i made him stand up without a chair for three days straight.
3. i cannot look her in the face when she speaks to me.

i've got about seven minutes to issue my statements before my break is over...

1. i used the word "damn."  this i will admit.  i will also say that the word was not directed toward any child.  i used it in the situation that they all failed a test i gave.  i asked them if they thought i was disappointed.  they said yes, i said "damn right."  etta is under her ignorant son's spell.  she told me that day that he told her i said words such as "bullsh*t," "motherf*cker," and the like.  those are strong words for me.  i only save those for dire emergencies.  he lied on me, that moon faced chump.
2. again, false.  i went through a "push in your chair when you get up" phase and told them that if they didn't, they would lose their chair for a little while, that little while being between five and ten minutes.  it kept happening, so i said they would lose it for a little while for a week, meaning five to ten minutes a day for a week.  he lied on me, that dumb arse chump.
3. the word "cannot" is inaccurate.  the best word to use in this situation is "won't"...maybe "don't."  i do not make a habit out of showing respect to those who cannot even throw some of it back.  i told my teammates: "the ancient greeks did not look medusa straight in the eyes, either.  those who did...still statues to this very day."  that's the only way i'll say it...for now.

so there is my side.  keep in mind that these things happened months ago, so she is steadily holding fast to the past, which is preventing her from moving towards the future.  strangely enough, the one for whom i really pity is anpanman himself, not only because he has to be raised by this wolf, but because he is getting caught in the middle of this buffoonery.  yes, he is the source and the catalyst of most of it, but at the end of the day, this is a ten year old child.  what the hell does he know?

i'm gonna get that sucka, dirty mutha --- don't you say that...

-w

everybody hates kandi (part i)...

this won't be too long because i am more than ready to lay it down for the night.  i promised, though, that i would dedicate a blawg just for this girl/woman/bitch/lady because she's pretty much ride or die when it comes to being a dedicated reader of my work.  it's great to know someone who's as sarcastic, yet sophisticated, as i am.  that person, of course, is none other than...

are you ready?

wait for it...

drumroll...

pause for dramatic effect...play this video as you read the blawg.  for some reason this just popped up in my head as i was thinking about what to write.

so, if you don't know, kandi is a former coworker of mine from the old school.  we met...not during my first year at the old school, but my third year.  i had known of her from the beginning, but it wasn't really until we starting teaching on the same team that i got to actually know her...and that was the start of something special...

as it turned out, we both started working at the old school the same year.  she had been a middle school teacher (and why the hell would anybody ever want to do that...voluntarily?) before, and decided that she wanted a change of pace.  apparently, and this is how it was told to me, she was good friends with our principal at the time, and that's how she got a position at the old school.  at first, i chalked it up to some sort of greek nepotism or something, because i had always assumed that they were in the same n*gga sorority.  it was later consolation to find out that they were not.

whenever i think about black fraternities and sororities, this is the first clip that comes to my mind.  back in the day i wanted to join one of those things.  i think some days i still do, and the day may come when i actually work up enough courage (and money...these sh*ts cost a lot of money) to go and do it.  it's on my bucket list, but only until i turn forty-two or so, then it'll just look quite sad.  there are a lot of reasons i wanted to join one.  if you're not familiar with the african-american culture (i'm not really caught up on it myself, but i do the best i can), when one joins a fraternity or sorority it's pretty much for life.  white ones only keep you through the time you walk across that stage.  black ones keep you even after you've passed on to the next life.  from what i heard, depending on which one you join, you're reborn as something different...oh well, that's for another time.

meanwhile, so i think that kandi got ushered into the old school.  she was doing forth grade reading at the time (which isn't ironic at all, especially when i try to add the fact that i teach forth grade now) and was as pregnant as an elephant.  her husband really gave it to her good.  yadda yadda yadda...we ended up on the second grade team.

she texted me the other night and said that the best time she had at the old school was when the second grade team consisted of her, jab, big mama, and me.  we didn't get much teaching done, but it was always a good laugh.  jab was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down the hall, and big mama had the largest room a school has ever had.  it was approximately the size of one third of a football field...regulation of course.  kandi and i shared these little twin rooms that were just around the corner from big mama.  if big mama's room was the size of a hummer, ours were the size of the little cap that you have to unscrew to put air in the hummer.  i'm not joking; they were that small.

the fondest memory i have of kandi (as if she's passed on to a better life) is this: every day at around two thirty or so, we would start getting the students ready to go.  that time, by the way, got earlier and earlier as the year went on...  because our rooms were right next to each other, i could always hear her yelling.  a typical rant in her class might be something like this:

kandi: Y'ALL ARE SEVEN AND EIGHT...NOT TWO...
(flash)
kandi: I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONE IN CHARGE...
(flash)
kandi: THAT'S A BOLD FACED, NAPPY HEADED, RAGGEDY, UGLY LIE...
(flash)

but the funniest thing was that in getting them ready to go, her kids would literally go crazy.  honestly, they would stop being semi-smart children and let go of all the idiocy that they had been holding back for the past seven hours...

kandi: alright, y'all, it's time to begin starting to prepare to get ready to go.  make sure you have your...

students:

oh it was awful, yet entertaining at the same time.  oh kandi...why did you have to get pregnant again, forcing me to go it alone for so many months without your hilarious yelling.  when jennifer joined our team, she yelled, but it wasn't the same...it just wasn't the same...

i gotta go to bed now because i can't think clearly, but stay tuned for a part two to this...all this reminiscing got me reliving these days again.  i really don't have to tell you, but that's pretty much what reminiscing is anyway.  if anyone has any hilarious kandi stories, let me know so i can include them in the next kandi blawg...

wasn't the theme song great?

-w

everybody hates playing chicken...

and i guess this applies to all walks of life.  i'm playing chicken at work with those damn kids.  i'm playing chicken every time i get in the damn car.  i'm playing chicken on the damn volleyball court.  i'm playing chicken when i write a check or slish my credit cards.  i'm playing chicken when i go to the store hungry (which i don't recommend for anybody in particular...it can be quite overwhelming on the wallet).  chicken everywhere...so where to start now?

well, i guess the first thing i need to mention is that i'm apparently being pirated.  i know i'm going to risk plugging this idiot's ignorance, but my little brother (who's bigger than me, yet weaker) has decided to follow in his older and wiser brother's footsteps and create a blawg of his own.  he calls it a "blog," which doesn't sound right to me.  i've read it, and trust me when i tell you that you're better off here.  there have been plenty of successful spin-offs over the years:

• good times was a spin-off of maude, which itself was a spin-off of all in the family.
• the jeffersons was a spin-off of all in the family as well.
• a different world was a spin-off of the cosby show.
• next friday was a spin-off of friday.
• ignition (remix) was a spin-off of ignition.
• baseball was a spin-off of volleyball.

okay, maybe that last one was a stretch.  the point is that the list just goes on and on.  there have been many more good spin-offs, but i just can't think of them at this very moment.  and why not?  because these damn kids are driving me crazy.  if you have ever seen seinfeld...

it's the same thing.  i had an absolutely awful day at school today, which is...not rare.  today, though, proved to be one of those days.  have you ever had a day where you can say that you have really really earned your salary?  yeah, that was me.

the way we, the "THE fourth grade team", have done it, we've divided the students into groups that will allow us to better cater to their needs.  notice i didn't use the word "whims," because we all know that it is NOT in my nature to cater to the whims of children.  it bothers me when i see all these damn parents just doing everything they can think of to pacify a child.  who the hell is the grown up?

i was in wal-mart today picking up a few things and i kid you not, a child somewhere in the building cried the entire time i was in there.  it was at least fifteen minutes.  i only needed to get a few things, remember. this little boy literally cried without stopping, except to take breaths.  i followed the sound and eventually caught up to them at the counter.  my first thought before finding him was, "i bet he's not black."  and sure enough, it was a little mexican...i'm sorry...a little hispanic boy.  mama had struggle written all over her forehead.  she was trying to offer him candy and soda and this and that.  i told the girl who was ringing me up that i would have beat the tears out of him after that first sign of cry.

and...a few years ago, i was in another wal-mart (not the same one, it was a ghetto wal-mart near my old school) and heard this boy crying.  when i went to see what was going on (because apparently i just have to know what's going on...i'd make an awful person in a horror movie because i do what the white people do; i go to see what's happening when i know i need to get the hell away to a well lit area) this boy was laid out on the floor in the middle of the freezer section.  mama looked around, obviously embarrassed...as she should have been...and didn't know what the hell to do.  as it turned out, this was a child who attended my school, so i knew who he was.  i walked up to him, bent down very nicely, and told that boy, "get up off this floor and stop all that crying...right now.  i'm not playing with you, boy."  he got up off that floor and stopped all that crying...right then.  mama was looking at me crazy.  i could only look at her with that same expression.  i imagine we looked like something out of a mirror.  bitch, control your child.  why am i doing your job...and not claiming that little nino on my income tax?

i digress...at the wal-mart today i wanted so desperately to say something to that boy, but i was in a hurry.  i had to get to the comic book shop before heading to church.  i'd quite like to mention church because i've inadvertently become a heathen, but that's going to have to wait until i fall back into good graces, which shouldn't take long.  i've also become a comic book geek; i'm addicted to the whole green lantern series, specifically the blue lantern.  but i think i blawged about that before...yes, i just checked.

the title of this one should have been "everybody hates digressing...", which will make a good title for a future blawg, because that's all i seem to be doing.  at this rate, i won't ever finish one complete thought, so let me try and reorganize this jumble.  i guess this is what happens when i don't blawg for weeks and months at a time.

so...the fourth grade students are split into groups based on their ability to do work satisfactorily.  there are four groups...i have to leave it at that.  harvey, one of the team members and the second oldest, frequently refers to some of them as "boxes of rocks."  it sounds better if you hear him say it.  harvey's hilarious because he's obviously getting more and more annoyed with the kids.  he has his own language that he uses, that could be likened to something out of pootie tang perhaps.  his word of choice recently is "bull shiggety."  the hilarious thing is that every time he says it, it seems to come closer and closer to being the actual word...

anyway, harvey and i had group four today, which we found out is comprised of ninety-eight percent rubble, with a two percent margin of error.  together they are awful.  they are easily the most hated group of all.  they do all the things you ask them not to do...and here's the kicker...willingly.  it's out of spite.  they are (expletive deleted) who deserve to (expletive deleted) all the way to (expletive deleted).  long story short, i fussed at them for so long that it was time to go home and i was not even halfway done saying everything that i wanted to say.  the one boy who stood to receive some sort of education, called "craig," cried because he wanted to be taught something and wanted nothing more than to get out of that group.  being the malevolent...i mean...benevolent person that i am, i saved his arse.  he's probably still turning cartwheels of joy.  if i had a heart, it would probably be full.  needless to say, i will be getting back at group four.  i've already told them: "it might not be tomorrow.  it might not be next week.  it might not be next month.  but i will get you back for this."  i'm really a nice person.  i promise...

going back to something i started earlier...i was on my way to a volleyball game last night.  i was walking to my car and these two white girls (yes, i made a point to mention that they are white) were hogging the entire sidewalk, jogging side by side with headphones.  this is the worst kind of chicken.  who's going to let up?  you never know.  it's always me, though.  i hate when people think that they are royalty and expect me to move out of their way.  i always end up doing it, too.  last night, though, i decided (for some reason) that enough was enough...kind of.  

i moved to the curb and walked it like a balance beam as those two bitches jogged by.  as we were all side by side, my foot slipped and i started to go down.  well, i was not about to twist my ankle behind some foolishness like that, so i grabbed the nearest thing i could get my hands on, which was one of the girls, and we both went down.  we softened each other's fall, but they were caught off guard, as was i.  i mean, this just never happens.  she screamed while the other girl jumped back like i had cooties.

bitch #1: oh my god!  are you okay?

bitch #2: yeah, i think so.  are you?

bitch #1: yeah.

me: well, she didn't fall.  i almost twisted my ankle trying to move out of y'all's way.

i believe i was in the right.  sidewalks have an assumed line in the middle that divides them into coming and going lanes.  it's just like a street, but on the side...and made for walking.  hence, the name.  i know one thing; there are two people in this world who will line up and let others use their god given right to walk on a damn sidewalk.

last thing and then i'm taking my arse to bed.  for some reason, there has been some kind of "tension" between my sister luby and me.  tension is the best word i can think of right now, although i'm sure the actual word is much more insidious.  take a few minutes and click back to the blawg about the red lobster incident.  yes, the one where my arm suffered a near fatal blow.  well...and i don't know why...we ended up going back to red lobster a few days ago.  it was her, trip, me, and a student with her brother and mother.  it was...awkward...because i think i went mostly because the student asked me to go.  damn, i'm going soft.

we sat a a round table, which is a clue that i'm getting back into good graces because i think i sat opposite luby.  she couldn't "go go gadget pincers" without getting somebody else first.  the dinner itself wasn't bad.  there was an extremely awkward moment where everybody else, except the student's brother, got up to go to the restroom.  i really can't describe those few minutes, but thank goodness for cell phones an angry birds.  the night ended up doable, although there was a time when the issue came up that we're not friends.

now, i'm the kind of person who will say it to your face before saying it behind your back.  that's just me.  remember this...

she asked (i guess in a joking manner) if i would be okay with her sitting next to me.  i said something that had the same power as "hells no."  you only add that "s" when you can't say what you really need to say because there are kids around.  besides, i didn't even say "hells" because there were children around.  basically, i let it be known that i was not a happy camper, which is unlike me because i'm such a bubbly person all around, who just wants to have fun.  i think...i think...that she thought that up to that point i was just kidding about this whole thing.

if you're still confused, she pinched the sh*t out of my arm a few weeks ago at a red lobster because she asked me what i thought about her and i told her.  was i wrong?  here's my side of the argument...

i'm a very straightforward person who will tell you what's on my mind about you or anybody else at any given time.  i have grown to learn that life just works better that way.  get things out from the jump, and no problems will be had.  she's known this about me since we met months ago.  and on top of this, i did not even say anything that i thought was offensive...consider this...

volleyball friend: hey wesley, do you need an extra player for your team for the tournament?

me: yeah, but you move too slowly.  you're as slow as a turtle.  you're tall, but you ain't got no speed.

student: can you hold this folder for me while i go to the bathroom?

me: do you think i have the word "slave" written across my forehead?  i'm just supposed to stop whatever i'm doing just to hold your folder, like that's the most important thing for me to do right now...(that one went on and on for a while)

bitch #1: are you okay?

me: i almost twisted my ankle trying to move out of y'all's way.

those are all true conversations i've had with different people, by the way.  those are much stronger than what i said to luby that fateful night at the red lobster.  oh yeah, when she asked me what i thought about her, i said that i thought she's a little self-indulgent.  well, i do.  and this is my muthaf*ckin' blawg, so i'm going to put it out there.  I THINK SHE IS A LITTLE SELF-INDULGENT.  and if i get e-pinched, then all bets will be off.

basically, why get upset all of a sudden about something i'm quite sure i've been saying for a while?  if i had to pinpoint it, i would label this a classic case of showing out in front of company because this happened in front of trip's cousin, prima.  i believe that had there been no company there, this part of the blawg would not have happened.  there, i wrote it.  am i particularly happy about this?  not really.  we all know that i can hold a grudge for life if necessary, though i'd rather not.  forgive, i do plenty; i never forget.  it's hard for me to let go of the past.  yet, i would like to move past this one.  i couldn't give a reason why, though.  i mean, trip, luby, and i go all the way back...to five months ago.  this might be one of those bonding experiences later on down the line, but for now, no.

trip said that i was being too hard, but he changed his tune after i punched him in the mouth.  i was aiming for his chest, but his mouth is so damn big i guess i couldn't avoid it.  meanwhile, i propose that we all go somewhere to eat, like NOT the red lobster, and talk this one out...because a little birdie told me that i could possibly be put off for the wrong reason.  good god, these pretzels are making me thirsty.

shout out to kandi...the next blawg is about her, with her crazy tail.

-w

everybody hates comic books...

well, it's finally here.  2012 is upon us all, and it has hit the world with a force that is not to reckoned with by anyone.  i've been waiting for the better part of three years to be able to say '012 (pronounced oh twelve) for some reason.  i can't explain why, but it is what it is.   i suppose the niceties must first be observed.  happy new year to everyone, or if you're one of my japanese readers...あけましておめでとう...actually the hip thing to say these days (or at least it was hip during my time there): あけおめ…ことよろ.

so, a few changes are in order in keeping in line with my erratic ways.  my new favorite color for the year is...wait for it...pause for dramatic effect...a little more...aquamarine.  and you know there's a reason behind everything i do, even if it only makes sense to me.  now, most people might even know what the hell aquamarine is...

that's right...blue and green make aquamarine.  i remember hearing this some years ago when i was watching blue's clues.  what a great show that was.  anyway, i digress.  the reason i'm choosing such a non-traditional color is because of my newest obsession.  if you have been around me lately, you might have noticed that i carry a green lantern wallet (that was given to me), a green lantern ring (also given to me), a blue lantern keychain, button, and glass (which i got), a blue lantern shirt, a white lantern shirt, a green lantern shirt, and a blue lantern ring (which was given to me by my big brother james, who is also in the corps).

most people don't know unless it somehow comes up, but i have become a huge comic book geek.  well, technically i'm more of a nerd right now.  you have to work up to the ranks of geekdom.  i've been obsessed with the green lantern and all of his counterparts for a while now, to the point where i'm at the comic book shop as often as i can afford to go.  if you ask me about it, i would tell you, but if not, you would probably never know.  it's not something that everyone is excited to learn about, but when i can sense that they are, i go off on all kinds of tangents, like this one.

the various lantern corps: red (rage), orange (avarice), yellow (fear), green (willpower), blue (hope), indigo (compassion), violet (love), and black (death)...not pictured is the white lantern (life)

it's a whole lantern thing, but in short, i have identified myself with the blue lantern corps, who represent the emotion of hope.  i'm a hopeful person...sometimes...usually...every now and then...i'm working on it.  the caveat is that a blue lantern works at his/her fullest potential only when around a green lantern...because hope requires willpower.  it's a whole checks and balances, rock-paper-scissors thing.  it balances out, though, trust me.  anyway, that's why i own blue and green lantern stuff.  the white lantern shirt is just for backup, in case i need it...

my symbols

so, that's why my favorite color is aquamarine.  it's a combination of blue and green.  what a wonderfully long and winding way to explain something otherwise so simple.  i think i just chuckled a bit to myself.

speaking of chuckling...trip and luby (insert scowl here...explanation later) guilted me into going to a kid's basketball game.  actually, trip is the coach of our school's kindergarten basketball team.  he wanted me to be the ass. coach, but i said i'd rather be the assistant.  then i said i didn't want to do it at all.  i know next to nothing about basketball, much less how to coach it.

i just found out the other day the difference between double-dribbling and traveling, which i had always thought were interchangeable.  and even if you ask me the difference today, i still might not give you an accurate explanation that makes sense.  furthermore, nobody has ever, EVER (nene voice)...seen me play basketball, and i mean that in all senses of the word.  i've never been seen passing a basketball, shooting a basketball, dribbling a basketball, or handling a basketball.  the reason is simple; i suck at it.  there are things that some people can do well, and others cannot.  i play volleyball well; i play basketball...not well. again, the whole checks and balances thing.  you just can't be good at everything.  yes, trip, not even the almighty you can be good at everything...meanwhile i'm still waiting on the day you try to play volleyball.

trip, for some reason, insists that he's god's gift to the world of sports.  he, allegedly, can play any sport, from baseball to football to hockey to jai alai to wrestling to water polo.  give it up, dude.  there's one person alive who can do those things, and you it is not.  unfortunately, it's not me either, though i come close...much closer than the average person.

i digressed, and then re-digressed.  aw hell, there i go again.  anyway, so i went to this basketball game, where our team got...for lack of a better word...killed.  whatever you call losing thirteen to four.  it was a kid's game, after all.  and i don't doubt that some of those big old kids would wipe my arse all over the floor.  i ain't hatin'.  to be honest, the biggest reason i went to the game was because we were going to the red lobster afterwards.  when it comes to seafood, i'm all about it.

random digression.  so there's this girl...beverly...who is a student.  i can't stand her.  that's the nicest thing i can say about her at any given time.  anyway, we regrouped all the students into ability-based groups, so that the kids in any one group are all on the same academic level.  she falls to the very bottom.  so, we put her in the appropriate group.  in this group are all kinds of crazy kids, many of whom clash with her.  i don't really blame them, but that's for another time.  her parents came to the school and requested that she be given the royal treatment, to which i responded by looking at them crazy.  i tend to get this crazy look when people say crazy things.  i live my life like it's an ongoing sitcom, and i imagine there's a studio audience.  let's say a conversation happened such as this...and this is a clip from a part of my sitcom...

this was a true incident.  i only wish the cameraman was more involved with the scene.  it was really a hard scene to do, especially considering that we only had one take because these guest stars (ie: beverly's mom) don't like to stick around and do more than necessary.  what an appropriate statement.

i think i got so caught up in that, that i forgot the original point.  well, beverly went home and basically twisted something that i said to her and that bitch of a mother came up to the school and called me into a meeting with the principal behind it.  apparently i have a reputation at this damn school; i am not very well-liked by the parents.  and the feeling is completely mutual.  in fact, i make a point not to support the PTA in any way possible.  i won't buy PTA paraphernalia (more like propaganda) nor participate in PTA sanctioned events.  and i most definitely will not be joining the PTA itself, though teachers here traditionally do it for whatever reasons.  f*ck what ya heard.  long story short (if that's possible), i've got my own agenda for that spastic family...

speaking of spasms...i left my original original rant.  so, the reason i went to the damn game was to get to the red lobster.  k-ci and jojo were going to come (it would have been my dream come true) but they had other plans.  so it was the usual suspects: luby, trip, and me.  trip also brought his cousin, whom we'll call "prima."  so there were the four of us.  by the way, there is no doubt that prima and trip are related.  i'll leave it at that.  anyway, we're talking, as we tend to do, and i don't know how it always comes up, but we ended up talking about this weird relationship that the three of us have.  luby always wants to know what people think about her...like she's stuck in that "me" stage of life and the gear won't shift.  before i reveal what i said, let me preface it with the fact that almost one hundred percent of everything that i've said (except that one time, but i was on narcotics), has been true.

i told her that i thought she was self-indulgent.  this bitch pinched my arm so hard that i made a face.  from here, there are basically three roads you can take.  i'm gonna give you the two that luby and i would go, and hell, just take the middle road...

if luby was telling this story:
wesley: you $#@% %$#@% %$#@%.  pinch me again, baby, pinch me again and see what happens.  i wish the hell you would put your %$#%$# hands on me like that again...never in your life have you...
luby: (pinches wesley again...harder)

if wesley was telling this story:
wesley: you didn't have to do that, dear sister.  please don't do that again.  it hurt a lot.
luby: (pinches wesley again...harder)  now what #$@#$, now what?  you always talkin' all that yak about this and that and think you all that and you ain't got...

yeah, just take the middle road and that's what actually happened.  basically, the bitch pinched my upper right arm...twice...in the same place.  yes, it made a nice red mark on my previously nice-looking arm.  now, had prima not been there, there would most likely have been some smoke in the city.  i liked to dun slapped the sh*t out of that girl.  of course i would never do such a thing to a female, but it did happen in my mind.  i'm better than that.

it's funny.  i'm such a random person with such a quirky sense of humor.  as it has been said to me, the most random things will have me on the floor crying because they're so funny.  i never know what it is, or when it will be.  it just comes like a thief in the night.  conversely, the most random things will piss me off.  i don't know why.  i can't explain it.  i have pet peeves like most others, but those are different.  a very small number of things that people do will drive me away for a long time.  pinching is at the top of the list it seems.  jab tried that sh*t a couple years ago at the old school and i (being a different person back then) called her some very unpleasant things.

i was much better this time.  i just smiled and got eerily quiet.  it was calm feeling, like when your soul has settled and you finally realize what must be done.  that kind of feeling.  we ended the night not long after that because...well...it was time for me to go.  in retrospect, i'm not really sure what trip's cousin prima thought about me; she probably thinks i'm crazy as hell, but oh well...you gotta call 'em like you see 'em.

this mornting, when i woke up, i noticed that my upper right arm was clearly tarnished by a darkish red mark that somehow appeared during the night.  i could only assume that it was the workings of luby.  she was all up on my mind this morning.  so i texted her and just asked her in the future not to pinch my arm. i didn't care if she hit, kick, punched, slapped, stabbed, shot, or pushed me.  just don't do the pinching thing.  well of course this opened up a whole can of worms with this...girl.  "don't try and hook me up with trip."  "don't call me self-indulgent."  don't do this.  don't do that.  i was like, "fine.  i won't call you anything ever again...i just don't like being pinched."

i've got a new attitude in '012.  i'm trying to wean myself off of passive-aggression.  i think she was testing me.

challenge,

-w

everybody hates friends...

i must admit that i, by some extremely strange twist of fortune, have ended up with possibly the best sets of friends one could ever wish to have.  i've always shared my philosophy of friendship with people; family will always be there, but friends are a different story.  sometimes you choose them, sometimes they choose you, and sometimes your paths just cross.  i consider all my friends to be actual friends...they're like different extensions of families.  that was random.

2011 was an interesting year for me.  what had once promised to be a three hundred sixty-five day torture session actually turned out to be quite decent.  all kinds of sh*t happened to me, but then...more sh*t happened.  i don't have a lot of time, but here were some big things...

i moved from one place to another...even though they were five hundred feet apart...i've gone through more roommates than toilet tissue...i've had to let go of some friends...i've driven across the country...i've been "fired" from a school just to be hired at another...i've found my long lost siblings...i've hit the mid thirties...oh, and i had four teeth ripped from out of my face...


the dentist and everybody in there were like, "what the hell are you doing?"  to which i replied, "taking a picture."

this was me a couple months ago, sitting in the damn chair, breathing in copious amounts of what was probably just oxygen with a fake "nitrous  oxide" label.  my body's always been way ahead of western medicine, but that's for another day.  the dentist had been telling me that i needed to have these things taken out years ago.  i was like, "ten, fifteen years ago, i didn't have the pain that i do now.  it was unnecessary."

the operation ended up going well.  by "well" i mean i'm still alive.

school ended decently.  when i get time, i must introduce a new child from the new school...beverly.  yeah, it's an old school name, but trust me when i say it's well appropriate.  this bitch has been trying her best to ruin my life at the new school.  she's been going home and twisting my words so that her people are coming up to the school and trying to go in on me.  bitches be trippin', because the truth shall whoop her arse.

anyway, the star of this blawg is the new year's eve eve party i decided to throw here at my nice little hideaway bungalow.  i decided to text about seventeen people to see if they wanted to come, figuring that maybe six or seven would say yes.  why did they all reply yes?  they were like, "yes, i'd love to come...it sounds like a great idea."  i was like, "aw hell, all y'all can't fit in my living room."  but it ended up working out very well.

in attendance (hopefully i can get everybody right)...my high school classmate "pooh"; trip & luby (current coworkers and hopelessly ignorant siblings who should practice "incest"); kandi, big mama, jab, jab's former boyfriend/current fiance "chris", and pepper (former coworkers); my volleyball friends...daddy, "coach", "genevieve" (pronounced john-vee-EVVV-uh), and "mango"; and then trip's two stooges..."k-ci" and "jojo".  it was a pretty good turnout, but kandi ended up being the star of the show.

have you ever seen n*ggas in their natural habitat?  well if you haven't, send your kids to bed and hold on to something secure...

the category was "terms of endearment" and the letter was "s"...there was a controversy...

the category was "kinds of dance" and the letter was "s"...is "swing-out" a kind of dance, or what you do when you dance?  we may never know...

these are just a small small small SMALL smidgen of the buffoonery that went on in my little bungalow.  how dare n*ggas get that comfortable in my home.  good god...the level of buffoonery was so high that it made my camcorder keep skipping and jumping.  this was about an issue that trip had about kandi's answer to something during a spirited game of scattergories.  i mean, i ended up winning, but it was hilarious to see them carrying on about this and that.  we played a lot of games.  genevieve brought encore, a great game that she's gonna have to bring to everything we do.  you basically have to sing songs that have certain words or fit into specific categories.  it was very enjoy.  of course, like any n*gga we played taboo.  the guys stomped a mudhole into the girls' va-jay-jays.  their performance during taboo was the worst thing to hit the streets since the pt cruiser.

now, this isn't from my party, but from another engagement we had a while back.  big mama is giving clues.  and she was sober in that video.  she gives clues like she's playing password or $100,000 pyramid.  that's what the women had to put up with in the game.  big mama is one...funny...bitch.  chris, who is normally the hitler of taboo, opted out of this one...and here's why...

he actually did play once.  he managed to net us guys a negative score that round.  it was like being strapped to a chair with your eyes forced open and someone making you watch mariah carey's "glitter" over and over and over again...in the span of one minute.  trip did not take kindly to him because of that...they made up later that nite.

scattergories, was...well...scattered, as you could tell from the videos.  but i think the best game we played by far was a game that not too many like to play anymore.  so many people think that it's overrated and antiquated, but i highly enjoy it, and everybody should.

it's a simple game called...conversation.  the conversation pretty much dominated the night.  actually, i take that back.  conversation itself is a pretty good game, but it's played best when drinking.  and boy did we drink...scratch that...and boy did we drank.  there was wine (moscato of course, the n*gga's national drinking emblem; it overtook the forty years ago), beer, and liquor.  kandi, pepper, and big mama brought some peach ciroc (which they kept spelling ciroq [sic]), and luby kept calling it pink ciroc.  there was all kinds of liquor.

kandi kept calling trip and luby...trip and luby...damn...i think in her drunken stupor she stumbled on to something.  oh well...when she sobers up next week she will have forgotten everything.  and for good reason.  this heifuh got so...wasted...plastered...hammered...to' up...blasted...shtupped...drunk...that it was like a one woman show for a while.  she enlightened us all on everything, from marriage and back to marriage, and everything in between.  for those of y'all who are married...i'll send you kandi's contact information because she has become a self-proclaimed guru on the institute of marriage.  find her teachings and philosophies at www.thisbitchdrunkashell.com or follow her on the twitter at @premaritalsexistheonlysexyouwilleverhavesodontevergetmarried.  big mama and pepper were not far behind in their antics.  turns out they all had shots before walking through the door.  who'd've thunk.

even jab got drunk.  she went so far as to tell somebody to sit her "drunk tail" down.  i looked at her crazy and was like, "girl say arse, arse, arse...sit your drunk arse down."  these ladies tore it up.

let's not forget luby, who (as we all know) holds her liquor slightly better than a bucket without a bottom...or sides.  she didn't see this, nor did any of the other drunken folks, but when she got up to go to the restroom, trip...well...he...

i told luby that i think she needed her drink refreshed, but she drank the pink ciroc anyway.  trip just sat there while he, k-ci, and jojo tee-hee-heed and cack-a-lacked.  i almost regurgitated.  it was just further proof that they need to know each other.

well, it was a hell of a party i threw, and i had the best time of the year.  we'll definitely get together and do it again, and i'll have my camera crew there next time.  maybe next time we'll actually sit down and play some games.  poor daddy, pooh, coach, and mango didn't really get to play too many game.  we'll do better, because when you know better, you do better.  oprah said that, and look at how she turned out.  i won't be able to blawg again until next year, so unfortunately y'all are going to have to wait.

i have come up with  resolution for '012, but you'll have to wait until next year to read about it.  it's new beginnings for me in '012 (pronounced "oh twelve").  stay tuned to a year full of prophesied buffoonery and foolishness.  merry '012.

just enough time to find something to do...and somebody please refresh luby's damn drink,

-w