everybody hates quickies...

okay, i have about fifteen minutes to spare before i have to be back at work for the morning meeting, so i'm gonna try and do a quick-for-free blawg that doesn't really count.  it's just a means for me to get a couple of things out in a short period of time, while everything will eventually come out when time becomes more readily available.  even if it doesn't, who cares?

i just got out the shower a few minutes ago.  i had to wash off those last remnants of wake forest (and north carolina in general) and the kids who lived there.  needless to say, i was in the shower for quite a while.  this means that i'm in chevy chase, maryland, now.  we're at a place that could be described as part campus, part conference center, part motel, part hostel, part apartment, part of a whole.  there are two sets of bunk beds in here, and i'll be damned, we're back to having roommates.  apparently, you can choose who you want to be your roommate.  i never do; i just leave it up to fate.  these days, though, fate hasn't seemed to be on my side as much...

would you choose this as a roommate?

or would you choose that as a roommate?

as a sidenote, it's not my personal hobby to sit and wait until people go to sleep so that i can snap photos of them.  that's a little creepy.  so i must give full credit to jeanette for her exquisite photography skills.  anyway, i got down on my knees and prayed to every omnipotent being i could think of that i would not get stuck with kenan or kel as a roommate.  god smiled down on me, because here's who i got:

that's right, huey is my roommate.  and we're gonna see how he compares against jerome.  i mean, when you've been with such a wonderful roommate as jerome, everybody else kind of pales in comparison.  but we'll see.  we'll just see...

gotta go, time for the meeting,

-w

everybody hates buffoonery...

have you ever seen n*ggas in their natural habitat, surrounded by their own?

they're all in here.  in no particular order, you'll see tia and tamera, jerome, kenan (who is the instigator of everything that happened), kel (because there are black people around, after all), huey made an appearance (although you didn't see him for his hair), there was also tommy.  to have been here in the middle of this...here's what happened:

we had a meeting, everyone here, because tomorrow is departure day.  it's basically the last day for the "scholars" which means that it's our last day to have to see them.  it's normally so sad, but...well i'll get back to that.  anyway, so everybody is at this meeting, and kyle suggests that we do a game, which i think was the last thing that most people wanted.  i'm all about the games, though.  you might not know it, but i'm a kid at heart. i play games all the time.  my favorite game is scattergories.  i'm a beast at it because my lexicon is just on another level compared to most people.  so anyway, we're at the meeting.  i announced the 2nd annual FAs vs. the world kickball game.

last year, we were going to play a kickball game against this other camp that was here, supercamp.  well, it didn't happen for a variety of reasons, the most prominent one being that they're actually some sort of cult...

  

seriously.  you've heard of the trust fall, i assume.  you know, where you stand in front of someone and just fall back and trust that they are going to catch you.  we were walking back to the dorm room the other day and were just about to go inside when our ears were just bombarded by noise coming from across the street.  looking over, we saw supercamp, a group of what could only be described as grown-looking fools, climbing ladders.  it turns out that they were climbing the ladders to get into the tree, from which they were going to fall down into the hands of their peers, whom they trusted that much.  excuse me?  you want me to climb into a tree and fall down and hope that you're gonna catch me?  never mind that your hands have been raised for at least ten minutes and are probably tired as hell.  never mind that they'll probably collapse as soon as my body falls onto them.  never mind that i'll die.  get outta here.

why am i so random with this blawg?  oh, i'm blawging on location again.  i'm in the lobby.  kenan and kel are here with me watching "family guy."  shania and stallone just walked in.  i mean, literally walked in.  shania just asked me if i was blawging, and i nodded yes.  things happen.  meanwhile, i don't know why, but i could reach over and initiate move #77 on kel.  that's the one where i would judo chop him in the throat so hard his teeth would click.  but i'm holding back only because shania is around.  kenan just "threatened" me and made me lol.  he said that i better not be writing about him, or else it would be the last blawg i would ever write.  well, not exactly.  i'd have to resort to writing a blawg about life after death.  okay kenan, i'll go along with your egotistical bullsh*t.  i'm going to write that i am scared of kenan.  but the truth is...kenan ain't sh*t without his bodyguard kel.  actually, kenan AND kel together ain't sh*t.  if i tied one hand behind my back and dislocated the other shoulder, then broke my right ankle and ripped my left hamstring, i think i'd still be able to take them with one eye closed.  i'm kidding; i'd need both of my eyes.

anyway, supercamp is a cult.  i know this because i've seen the evidence for myself.  anybody crazy enough to fall out of trees is insane.  they walk around this campus tied to each other, and always...ALWAYS...have a weird smile on their faces.  it's as if they can't do anything else but smile.  like they're secretly saying "help me."  all i gotta say is...don't drink the kool-aid.

anyway, FAs vs. the world kickball game.  it's something we did last year because supercamp turned out to be a hoax.  we just played each other.  it was the FAs (faculty advisors) against the world (everyone who's not an FA).  they'll (the world) tell you that they won by a landslide, but the truth is that we allowed them to win.  first of all, it was raining...hard.  it made the game fun.  poor huey couldn't stay on his feet.  he pretty much slid around like he was on a large water slide.  we started off very strongly, but they (the world) started to complain about how it wasn't fair.  that was when we had to let up a little bit.  we kicked a little bit lighter, and dropped the ball a little more frequently, and ran a little more slowly.  they played at 23428090% and we were at 42% at best.  i think you can fill in the rest.  if you have any questions, find me.  i'll tell you the whole story, although there's not much to tell other that what i've already said.

i've digressed way too much.  this whole thing started over the first video i posted.  kyle suggested we do an activity where we tape a piece of paper onto our backs and others would write something on there.  in exchange, we'd do the same for others.  it's all fun and game until someone gets his/her feelings hurt...in which case it become hilarious.

kenan and tia have been goin' in on each other for the better part of two years, which is how long i've known them.  if you're unsure, to "go in" is a slang term meaning to make fun of, or to poke fun at.  anyway, this thing between them has been going on for a while.  the video is just a minor glimpse of all the buffoonery that goes on around here.  no wonder these things are always so damn random; i get so loaded down with silly sh*t that i can't contain everything.  if i put it in one blawg, i would never have finished the very first one yet.  all i know about it is this: tia and tamera are not bullies.  that's not the term i'd use.  i can't really think of it right now, but when i do it'll show up in a later random entry.

i think that's it for the meeting tonite.  i need to mention some scholars now.  i was made aware of the incident that occurred last night.  apparently, and this is what i heard from "kirsten" (a veteran staff member who knows this program like the back of her hand), a scholar got her tongue stuck in the freezer, and pulled off tongue skin trying to get it loose.  now there are some things you must understand about this situation.  first of all, the mini-fridgedaires are not large; they're mini.  that means that a kid would have to literally lean down and twist her head to get it into the small section of a freezer.  second of all, why the hell would anyone want to do something like that?  silly sh*t.  in my opinion, that crazy girl deserved to get her tongue damn near ripped out of her mouth.  the whole thing should've come out, along with half her esophagus and duodenum.  that'll teach her.

that's one.  now, in my group i had some ignorant muthaf*ckers who excel at what they do best.  "alvin", "simon", and "theodore" were the names suggested, so let's go with them.  i'm gonna make this quick because i'm tired and still need to take a shower before going to bed.  alvin is actually a girl, and quite the b*tch at that.  she is a certified klepto (who knew you could even get certification in that department?), and nothing less than a bully.  simon is socially inept, and bipolar.  theodore is just an a**hole.  i will of course explain this next blawg, but i just can't now.

cliffhangers are awful,

-w

everybody hates bees...

the thing is...i don't really have anything against bees in particular, well, except for the fact that they can be potentially fatal to a select few of us.  to be honest, i pretty much have a problem with the whole of the insect family.  i don't think there is one insect that i can truly say i don't mind having as a friend.  and i know they're not insects, but spiders scare the be-jesus out of me.  put a spider within ten feet of me and i'm pretty sure you will see something that resembles a wesley shaped hole in the nearest wall.

that was my minor point about bees.  the major point is that bees make honey, which is good...borderline great.  in fact, i had some fresh honey (i mean straight from the bees' stomach, because we all know honey is just bee vomit) that comes in the comb, which i'd never had before.  it was quite tasty.

that was a minor point about the major point.  so anyway, amanda, who you may remember as working in the same town as me (wingate, nc), was sat at a particular section in the cafeteria for breakfast yesterday.  she went to stand up, but found that she could not.  come to find out...she had somehow sat in what can only be described as a honey chair.  some jackass decided to coat a chair with honey.  that's the best explanation i can scrounge together...it's either that, or millions of bees threw up in her chair.  i guess technically that's true, but you know what i mean.  i just wish i had been there to see it for myself.  i had to get this information on a secondhand level, meaning that she told us later on.  i would much rather have preferred to see it for myself.  that way i could've given a more accurate account...

i just imagined in my head that amanda would have sat down in a chair to have breakfast, then get up to do something, perhaps take her plates and everything to the dispository (a word i just made up like seven words ago), and the chair would just be stuck to her like it was part of her clothes.  of course, this is all unbeknownst to her.  so she would just be walking around campus with this chair hanging off of her without knowing, and as she walked by, people would kind of stop and stare like "what the hell is goin' on here?  doesn't this lady know that there is a chair stuck to her?"  damn you, laws of physics.

now, i didn't want to do this, but i've got to do it.  i'm gonna kind of put some topics together here to save time and space and sanity.  i don't usually like to blawg about minors, but good god, some of these kids here are enough to make you wonder.  i don't wanna use any codenames here, so i'll try to be generic.  i've got this week, eleven kids..."scholars" if you will.  they must be nominated to come here, but honestly...some of these kids you gotta wonder what the hell people were on when they nominated these (for lack of a better word) arseholes.

i have three in particular who i've had to put in check already.  they teach us in training to be nice to the kids because we're here to help them and guide them to be effective leaders in the community and yadda yadda yadda...whatever.  that's what i say to that.  it's bullsh*t.  it's not in my nature to cater to the whims of kids, especially since i'm a grown arse man.  i've said this time and time again.  i just don't...i can't...i won't.  let's call them "one", "two", and "three."  i gotta get to them later because i'm getting sleepy.  too much to get out of my head, but not enough time.  sleep is calling my name, but i will get to them in the next blawg because one thing i won't be doing is forgetting anything about them, so the material will still be fresh come next blawg.

kenan is sitting across from me right now.  i can't help but think that he has been talking to kel, because kel is trying to step to me like he's suddenly suspicious.  for some weird reason, he thinks that he's being mentioned in this blawg.  i mean, how f*cking vain can a person get?  of course he's in here.  it just wouldn't be right without him.  kenan, meanwhile, i've heard he got a second job posing for trophies.  let him read that and see what he has to say.

as for kel...here's the latest installment in this war he's insisted on continuing.  we were taking the kids to see the performer and he comes up to me and says (and you won't believe this), "hey buddy."  i could've drop kicked his white arse right then and there.  how dare you step up to me and disrespect me like that?  he just doesn't know that i have the ability to drop him where he stands...anytime...anyplace.  of course i choose not to do it with the kids around, but man, one day he's gonna say something...  let me stop because i'm now angrily typing these words.  wu-sha.  he's gonna get kicked in his chest.

as for kenan, turns out he can't count money.  he asked me for three dollars in quarters so that he could do his laundry.  being the kind and generous person that i am (and i really am), i went out of my way to find him twelve quarters, because i'm great at math and i know my money.  he gives me three of the dollars that i think came out of somebody's nose because they were absolutely filthy.  i had to obviously sanitize them, and check them to see if they were authentic...legal.  they were (lucky for him, because i gets funny when it comes to my money), and he got the quarters.  he accuses me of not giving him all the quarters.

kenan: hold up, wesley.  is this three dollars?
wesley: yes, it's three dollars.  can you count?
kenan: it look like it don't add up.
wesley: it LOOKS like is DOESN'T add up.  but yes, it's twelve quarters.
kel (from out of nowhere comes up and steps to me like some sycophantic bodyguard): wait a minute.  is there a problem here?
wesley: get out of my face or be picking up your teeth off the floor.
kenan: alright, alright, it's all here.

look at this n*gga in his natural habitat...sleepin' like he doesn't have a job to do.  meanwhile, he left a giant (in comparison to his size) sweat stain on the couch...he was outside claiming to have tore everybody up in the basketball....catchin' bullets with his teeth? n*gga please.

i feel like i'm the only sane person in this whole building sometimes.  if it weren't for shania, i don't know what i'd do.

oh...last thing and then i'm gone for the nite.  it has been confirmed.  tia and tamera cheat at spades.  and when i say cheat, i don't mean like a little fly by here and there.  i mean...

jerome: i just dealt.  you start, tia.
tia: okay, i'm going to play my ace of hearts now. [plays the ace of hearts]
kel (who can't play well): it's my turn now. [follows suit]
tamera: then i'm gonna play.  [follows suit]
jerome: and i'll go last. [follows suit]

i really just put that excerpt in to establish the order in which they were playing.  here's how things unfolded later...let me set the scene a little.  jerome and kel are in the lead, and they need one more book (black folks call it "book" and white folks call it "trick") to win, but as usual, tia and tamera, otherwise known collectively as the doublemint twins (shout out to huey), aren't going for that.

tia: what led? [clubs led]
jerome: uh uh, you can't talk the table.  you just gotta play.
tamera: he's right.  girl, i feel like hittin' the clubs tonight.  what about you?
tia: yeah, that sounds like a plan.  when you wanna go?
tamera: i don't know.  i don't have many things to wear, but whatever i decide to put on, you might can cut in and see how it goes.
kel: what club are you going to? [everyone looks at him with a quizzical expression]
tia: so, basically you're saying that i should play any club because you're going to cut it with a spade, thereby giving us the book.
tamera: yes.
jerome: seriously?  y'all just gon' talk the board in front of us like that?  man, y'all some cheaters
kel: when are we goin' to the club?
everybody: shut up, kel.
kel: i just thought we were goin' clubbin'.
me: [sighing in my sleep because i felt this happen in my soul]

it was terrible.  but now there's hard evidence that those two cheat in spades.  i knew it, i just knew it.  now it's confirmed.  they use marked cards.  the story is finally told.

be wary of people who strongly favor each other about the face,

-w

everybody hates sharks...

okay, this was a typical group get together here at our camp.  the kids don't matter in this video...at all.  they're like the point system in "whose line is it anyway"...that's right, the kids can be likened to a jamaican bobsled team: useless.

anyway, this particular cheer was led by a few of our team.  i can't mention too many names for fear that they will tie their codenames with their actual selves, but i think this is a great time to introduce "kyle," one of our higher-ups.  more on him and the other characters here later.  it's late and the spades game is over.  worry not, friends, for there will be more.  all this sh*t is still in my head.

bye,

-w

everybody hates bugs...

before i start, i have a disclaimer.  are you ready?  are you ready for the disclaimer that i have for you?  are you sure that you're ready?  because i don't know if you're ready for it.  i'm afraid that it will blow your mind.  literally, your mind just might be blown.  i don't want you to blow it...by "it" i mean your mind of course.  well...i've got some news that's gonna make you scream, holler, and jump for joy...and the batteries are not included.  i just "lol"ed.  okay, you dragged it out of me...i have like eight blawgs of information just jammed in my head from everything that's gone down for the past four days.  i can't wrap my mind around how to organize it, so this may be a bit random, although i'm gonna try...

so, the bestest thing by far that's happened to me so far on my cross country adventure has been my side trip to see "james."  who is james?  i'm not gonna lie...he's the best thing to hit the streets since the scion xb.  if jerome is brilliant (which he is), james is awesome.  we met last year when it my first time here.  he was my trainer.  i was sat somewhere randomly in the room, as we all were, and for whatever reason i was talking about something to someone else, and he came up to me and introduced himself:

james: hi, are you wesley?
me: yes.
james: great.  i'm james, i'm gonna be your strand trainer this week.
me: okay.
james: cool, well i'm looking forward to it.  see you in a bit.
me: okay.

get this...after we became BFFs, he told me that his first impression of me was that i was a total douche.  i just couldn't believe it.  why would...scratch that...how could anyone think that this wesley could be anything but what i am?  and what i am not is a douche.  anyway...that blew over and he quickly realized the error of his ways.  he saw that i was in fact, cool beyond comparison.  so, he's like the big brother that i never had, and i got to see him this past weekend.  i finally met the wife in-law, "red," and...and...my godson.

obviously the idiot on the left is james.  the boy is my godson.  he's hilarious, and he makes the best faces.  he was crawling around, and his hand slipped on a shirt so he pretty much face planted.  he came up with the most interesting face i've seen in a while.  it made me lol.  james and i spent pretty much the whole weekend playing heroclix, which for some strange reason i had never known.  how could i have never known about this game?  it was awesome.  james gave me a present...my very first heroclix.  it's john stewart, the black green lantern.  he's great, and now so am i.  i was sad to leave them, but the show must go on.  james tried to make fire.  i wanted to post video of it, but it never happened, and the only thing i got to see was how thousands of insect bites look.  good god, mosquitoes love dark meat...or rather they love succulent, juicy, moist, tender, delicious roasted meat.  what can i say?

so that was my trip with james.  he's got the coolest man cave, but it's an attic.  it's a man-attic.  pure greatness.

out,

-w

everybody hates number two...

it's sofa king (say it right and you'll get it...) hot outside here in winston-salem that i literally can't breathe.  i have to have an oxygen tank with me at pretty much all times, otherwise i would just die.  it's sofa king hot that i start sweating just thinking about having to go outside.  that's how hot it is.  my sweat starts to sweat.  it's awful.  my drawers be soaked with butt sweat, and you know how uncomfortable it is to have to walk about somewhere with wet, sweaty drawers.  it's borderline miserable.  i gotta carry my wet wipes with me so that i can stay dry.  i know that doesn't sound right, but it makes perfect sense to me.

speaking of wet wipes...this is awful and i can't really believe that i'm mentioning this online, but it's for the millions of readers (who should leave comments)...i had to booboo something awful this morning.  usually i eat consistently so that everything stays regular.  meanwhile, i've challenged myself to something absurd: i'm eating cheeseburgers in the cafeteria everyday until i can't stand it anymore.  the reason i'm doing this is firstly because it's all beef sliders.  i just recently found out that the burgers that i had as a child at school were actually of the soy persuasion.  that really killed my belief in mass-produced hamburgers.  the all beef sliders gave me a glimpse of hope, and this is how i'm celebrating.

i digress.  anyway, i don't know what the hell i had that threw me off my regularity, but i woke up having to booboo.  long story short, i made it to the restroom literally just under the buzzer.  it was the kind where you couldn't even pass gas for fear of what would really come out.  i was holding on to the railings for dear life, i tell you.  when i was finished...well...i peed.  you know you have yourself a really good booboo when you pee again at the end of it.  needless to say, i feel better now.

so, there's one more day before this first batch of kids is gone.  i wish i could say that this week has flown by, but it has not.  it's been a slow, agonizing five days, and there's still one more to go...and i fear that it will be the worst of all.  there are three of us doing my particular strand of "creative construction."  there is myself, of course, there is "jeanette," and there is "laura lee."  our rooms can be put in an analogy with goldilocks and the three bears.  my classroom is entirely too small, laura lee's room is incredibly gigantic, and jeanette's is just right.  but wait...i'm the veteran and they're the rookies.  why the hell do i get stuck in the damn shoebox?  i guess it goes without saying that i should be getting the VIP treatment when we move to chevy chase, md.  sidenote, why would anyone name a town after chevy chase?  but it turns out that it's a different person called chevy chase...or so i was told.

i'm blawging on location.  instead of the confines of my dorm room, i'm in the lobby, surrounded by the people with whom i work.  in my line of vision i can see kenan and kel (it's like...where's kel?  with kenan.  where's kenan?  with kel.  where are kenan and kel?  together.), there is jerome, there's laura lee, jakob, halle, and a bunch of others.  to my left are laura lee and "tootie," a rather height challenged coworker with a hilarious personality.  she's not at the top of the list, but she's easily in the top ten of "hood" actin' white girls i know.  actually, i just asked her and found out that the girl is half white and half hispanic.  that expains it.  they're playing "go fish."  bitches be trippin'.

speaking of trippin', tia and tamera put on an extremely amusing performance of a dance called "la touche." um...video to come later.

quick but forceful shouts go out to laura lee, jeanette, and "amanda," who all work in the same building as me...you know...way in wingate, nc (which is i would guess about 29 miles from the next nearest building at wake forest).  they're awesome, and for all the right reasons.  gotta go now so that no one will notice this slight anachronistic blawg...

time's up,

-w

everybody hates the wrong side of bed...

damn, i knew it was gonna be one of those days.  i couldn't even wake up on the right side of the bed.  it doesn't happen to me very often, but when it does...when those storm clouds gather...watch out.

the first thing that threw me off was an off dream that i remember quite clearly.  it was very morbid.  for some reason, i was a physician of some kind (i know, who the hell would trust me of all people to help others?), but i was a specialist in administering the lethal injection.  i had to give a person i know (whose name i'll just leave out of this because i don't have a problem with this person) a shot in the back of the leg and watch as the venom went and killed the person dead.  i woke up with a chill.

and no wonder.  apparently, while i was asleep, a wrong turn on my part sent my covers on top of the A/C unit in this dorm room.  what this did was effectively rezone all of the cold air in the room under the covers.  i keep the temperature on like sixty-five degrees because i like it to be cold when i sleep.  i don't necessarily care for being cold myself and going to sleep.  last time i checked, that was hypothermia.  so for i don't know how long, this cold air was running (nonstop, mind you) all through my poor body.  i woke up a frozen fish stick.  i mean i had absolutely no body heat when i tumbled out of bed.  it was awful.  had i fallen out of the bed, i probably would've just cracked like a vase.

if that wasn't bad enough, i was getting ready for work this morning and couldn't even spray the damn smell goods on me.  it was a good six or seven spritzes before i got my neck.  the sh*t was just scenting the room.  i don't like my room to smell like cologne; a room needs to smell like vanilla and lavender, not tommy hilfiger smell good.  what a waste...especially because i only brought a limited amount.  every spritz counts.

have you ever noticed that when more than three black people get together, white people start to get anxious?  it could be for whatever reason: drug dealing and/or trafficking, illegal conduct, gang banging, or even just conversation.  n*ggas getting together just scares off the white folks.  i saw it in the cafeteria today.  i guess those four hundred seventy-two years my people spent suffering have not quite paid off yet.  the interest must be pretty damn high.

this girl, a fellow coworker whom we'll introduce as "halle," told me that i looked like samuel l. jackson.  i couldn't quite process those words in that particular order in sequence.  i just didn't think it computed.  i don't think we have the slightest resemblance.  i mean, c'mon, i'm a low talker.  that fact alone should put light years between the two of us.  the smallest whisper from that man's mouth could cause a sonic boom that could level half of chicago.  and we all know that chicago is still rebuilding from when the decepticons tore it up in "transformers."  it bothered me, but the kicker was this; i told her that she favored lisa "left eye" lopez about the face (which she does) and you would think i told her that she looked like arnold from "differn't strokes."  it's like two people share that body of hers.  i can't know who it is to whom i'm talking.

update on the war with kel.  i was talking to stallone and a coworker we'll call "pam."  kel was there; i walked in on their conversation, but i wasn't expecting to see him, nor them for that matter.  anyway, i asked if they had seen either tamera or kenan because i needed to ask either of them something.  kel, ever crazy, gave me a look like he wanted more (move #23 must not have been enough) and said: "i'm proud to call you my father."  his father?  well, i know how he thinks and how that...mind...of his works.  so i did the only logical thing; i took my belt off and whooped his arse.  oh yes, we played a very spirited game of "tear dat."  for some reason, though, kel has a tough skin, so i'll be waiting to see what happens tomorrow.  there's always something.

meanwhile, kenan rolled his eyes today and i thought he had had an aneurysm.  that was too far a distance for any two eyes to ever have to travel in a single movement.  i'm such a jeff hammer.

hammer out,

-w

everybody hates saying "excuse me"...

okay, am i the only one around here who says "excuse me" when i'm trying to get by someone?  actually, let me rephrase that: are grown ups (in general) the only ones who say "excuse me" when they're trying to get by someone?  i find it quite disturbing that children (ages 9 - 12ish) don't know how to walk by people.  here at the wake forest (i sometimes like to put a 'the' in front of somewhere to really mean it), the cafeteria is...sordidly arranged.  there are random stations for everything everywhere, so that you have to walk from end to end just to put together a decent meal.

so, i'm walking from anywhere to anywhere, and there are all these camps here at the same time (volleyball camps, football camps, golf camps, tennis camps, church camps, miscellaneous camps, etc.).  these crumbsnatchers are everywhere you look, and they don't bother to look where they're going.  i literally have to play freeze tag with myself because at any given moment i'm stopping because some ignorant child has walked across my path like a black cat...

speaking of which, after that happened one time today, i went to put a roll in the toaster machine.  it's one of those high fallutin' gadgets that's got a conveyor belt that takes your bread on a heated journey through a sort of furnace, then drops it below to a fun-filled slide where it makes its way back to you to pick up...piping hot by the way, so that you can burn your damn fingers trying to get it.  well, i put that roll in the oven...and the sh*t caught fire.  smoke was virtually billowing from this thing and i'm looking around like, "please, don't notice me," which was pretty hard to do since i was pretty much sending smoke signals to the world.  it finally slid out...black as leo scott (so dark that not even light itself can escape).  i couldn't leave it there, so i had to take it.  needless to say, it did not taste good.

i digressed.  so these damn anklebiters are everywhere in this chaotic mess of a cafeteria.  i said freeze tag earlier, but now that i think about it, it's a million games of chicken.  and i lose every time.  why am i always the one to say "excuse me" and then sashe' my arse out of the way for a child?  last time i checked, i was a grown man.  have children all over the country been exposed to ABT?  parents hang on to that ADHD garbage, but it's really ABT?  for what does it stand?  "ain't been taught."  the cure...TTAU.  for what does it stand?  "tear that arse up."  well, no more; come tomorrow, somebody besides me is going to have need to be wanting to try and think about practicing learning how to excuse him/herself because...well...let's just say there might be some "cleanup near the salad bar"..."cleanup near the beverage station"..."cleanup near the toaster machine, and who burnt some bread?"..."cleanup near the pizza stand"...  yeah, i'm declaring it.  i'm claiming it.  i'm calling it.  instead of me simply saying "excuse me" and then chickening out, i will rather prompt the other person with "excuse you" when s/he cuts in front of me unexpectedly, and if s/he doesn't get the picture...street wesley will kindly offer a free lesson from the school of the hard knocks.  paint your own picture...  updates to this to follow as they arrive.

you know, this blawging this (for now) is quite relaxing and therapeutic.  but i really think that kenan is on to me.  every time we cross paths, he rolls his eyes at me.  and if you happen to know him, you know that it takes an ENORMOUS amount of effort for him to do that.  those binoculars of his are larger than life.  i need to think of a plan to shake him off my trail.  and now i suspect that others are on to me as well.  if anyone has any plans, please put them in a comment...i can't afford to go on the run because NYSP isn't paying us until fall 2012...

speaking of which, kel tried to get fresh with me today.  i was minding my own business, getting some root beer (because i love me some root beer), not bothering anyone, and he was over there monitoring the scholars (it's exhausting calling kids something that they may not be, by the way).  out of the blue he says, "hi wesley."  i had never been so insulted in all my life.  i see right through his sarcastic bullsh*t.  what he meant by that was really this: "you want a piece of me?  because if you're coming, come on.  speak on that, $%#%#@$%."  i did what anybody in my position would have done...i waited until we were somewhere inconspicuous, did move #23, and ran away before i could be identified.

move #23 is a simple yet effective maneuver that can be used to lower a person's morale, while simultaneously causing bodily harm.  here's what you do.  you wait for them to walk somewhere.  when you suspect that they're not paying attention to you, you extend a foot (preferably your dominant foot) and trip them.  here's the tricky part.  as they're falling, use your stronger hand to push them downwards as they're falling to accelerate the whole process.  that prevents the person from trying to recover, and your point is then proven.

he went down like holyfield when tyson munched on that ear.  i don't like when people play like that.  i think he learned his lesson, but that kel is a stubborn one.  i suspect he'll try something else in the near future, like wave at me or even (insert gag) smile.  please don't make me pull out move #19.  dear lord in heaven, please don't bring out move #19.  i'm getting too old for that one, but he may leave me no choice.  has kenan been secretly manipulating kel into instigating this war, thereby making him the instigator?  i'm going to have to go undercover and pose as huey to get the inside scoop.  all i need is to go to the pet shop to get some mice to chew on my hair...scratch that.  domesticated rodents won't get the desired effect.  i need to snatch some wild rats from the woods.  then i could fool anybody into thinking i was huey.  i've already been mistaken for him thrice.  don't worry, those poor unfortunate souls are no longer with us, courtesy of move #11.

how have i allowed my aggressive side to overtake my passive side?  i need to get back in balance with myself before i return to dallas.  between being called huey, this utterly pointless war with kel, kenan's eyes (and height, or lack thereof), tia and tamera's lackluster spades skills, and a slew of other things, i'm surprised i haven't just broken out into song.

deliriously drifting to sleep,

-w

everybody hates being patronized...

well i guess i should've seen it coming.  for some strange reason, i put myself into a situation where i confronted kel, stallone, shania, and allie about not speaking when we had first seen each other about a week ago.  i didn't mean to; it just happened.  in case you're wondering what the hell i mean, just look back to an earlier blawg.  what, you thought i was going to retype all that stuff just because you're too lazy to do your research?  i think you'd know me better than that.  anyway (i digress), it of course went something like this:

me: you didn't speak when you first saw me.
kel: yes, i did.
allie: yes, i did.
stallone: yes, ah did. (she's a little bit country)
shania: yes, i did.
me: shania, you did speak to me.

why do people automatically go on the defensive when you tell them about something that they did that they know they did but vehemently act like they didn't do it?  is the pain of being busted so deep that it cannot be remedied?  does it leave an emotional scar that runs the length of the US/mexico border?  so then i have to go through the exhausting chore of reliving moments in my life i'd rather not relive by reenacting these scenes that cause so much heartache...

me: stallone, you talked to jerome for seven minutes before realizing i was in the room.
me: kel, you saw me first, but proceeded to talk to jerome for ten minutes before coming back to me.
me: allie, you looked through me to get to jerome, then said hello on your way out.
me: shania, we've always been the moral center of our group.

maybe not exactly like that, but not far off.  i understand and accept that jerome is at least forty-two times more popular than i am, and god punished me by making me his roommate, but talk about not feeling any love.  maybe i should've just kept my mouth shut, because i'm non-confrontational.  sometimes you just don't feel like fighting someone just to prove a point that they're going to deny.  i don't feel like fighting stallone, i don't feel like fighting allie, i really don't feel like fighting kel (he wouldn't last fourteen seconds), and shania...she's brilliant.

so anyway, after all this drama went down, kel decided to do what people like him do.  he walked up and...pause for dramatic effect...spoke to me.  and he shook my hand for about two minutes as he continually greeted me.  well, being the person i am, i let him do whatever it was he thought he was accomplishing and mentally kicked him in the chest.  don't patronize me.  この野郎、俺様だってなめるなよ。i don't look like it, but i have the ability to drop anyone right where they stand.  i just always choose not to exercise such power.  i'm kind like that.  stallone spoke to me today, as did allie.  most people can be taught.  for others...bitches be trippin'.

meanwhile, the scholars came today.  the first day is always awkward, especially if you're in the section that supervises the kids while they're still rolling in, which just happened to be my spot.  good god, why had thou forsaken me?  for the most part it was cool, but i was worn out before it was over.  my group is twelve strong, and i can already tell that there may be some friction between a couple of them and me.  the sitcom that plays in my head is going to have a major ratings boost this week.  tomorrow the real fun begins with the class stuff.

kenan is on to me.  i think he suspects that he is being mentioned in this blawg.  he's as vain as he is short.  in fact, he's so vain, he probably thinks this part is about him...doesn't he?   don't you, kenan?  silly child, he'll never catch on.  for someone with such a huge eyespan, he's surprisingly unobservant.  i kid...i think.

by the by, if you ever come across apple crisps, don't ever try them.  use them as coasters.  use them as pet food (sparingly).  use them as packing material.  use them as fertilizer.  use them in arts and crafts.  use them for anything but a snack.  i tried one and ended up spitting it back into the bag.  aw man.  no more for me.  is there such a thing as meatatarian?  i don't eat fruit...not anymore after being subjected to those things.  that's okay, shania, you didn't know.  you're still brilliant.

now, my classroom is as far away from my living quarters as geographically possible while still staying in the state of north carolina.  it's wingate hall, or as i like to call it...wingate, nc.  it's incredibly far away from everything.  it's so far that our radios won't get reception there.  it's like being marooned on an island with apple crisps as our only means for survival.  hello, left arm...you're looking mighty tasty all of a sudden.  these apple crisps will make for a good fire to roast you...

we (all the facilitators sentenced to that...location) all got together and put together a list of things that we decided that we're going be needing in order to stay alive.  i can't remember the entire thing, but the ones that i do remember are:

• oxygen tank
• passport
• change of clothes (in case of wedding...to be explained later...)
• immunization records (current)
• deodorant (the stick, NOT the spray on)

thinking about it, we need to add a few things, like customs forms, hydration stations, a monorail (that would really help), and a scale to measure our weight loss to and from there.  when moses told pharoah to let them people go, i don't think they walked quite as far as we have to do...and they at least had manna falling from heaven.  what's gonna fall from the sky for us...apple crisps?  i'll take a first class ticket to hell if that's the case.

out for the nite like a lite.

-w

everybody hates spades...

have you ever played spades with black people?  actually, have you ever played spades with some n*ggas?  there is all kinds of foolishness and buffoonery and n*gga sh*t that goes on during a game a spades.  and the strangest thing is that it's all part of the show.

huey and i played against tia (or tamera...they're twins) and her partner, "goliath," who is new here.  he's actually quite tall at 6'5".  he's to me what kel is to kenan.  anyway, let me set the scene first so that you will be in the right frame of mind.  before playing this "power couple" we had been playing against kel and his partner "jakob" (who is new to me but not this program).  kel is white and jakob is black, and jakob just did not have the ability to compensate for kel's blacklessness.  sidenote about kel...never mind.  anyway, the way they were playing was unknown to me.  instead of keeping score, it was just like whichever team got the most books won that game, and it was the best of seven.  in addition to that, the two of spades was suddenly higher than the ace, but lower than the jokers.  it was weird for sure.  i prefer milk straight from the cow...but i adapt.  so huey and i beat the sh*t out of those two cats and that was that.

then twin and goliath tried their hands.  we all know that according to the law of averages, you win some and you lose some.  we won some before them, so it was just our turn to lose some.  if you ask either of them, they will spin you a ridiculous rumplestiltskin web of lies that makes them seem like they whooped our arses.  it's simply not true.  we barely lost, three games to their four.  they happened to have good hands while ours were less than spectacular.  considering how bad our hands were the entire time, and the narrow margin by which they won the whole game...i think we all know who the real winners were.  if not physical, it was a personal moral triumph.  and even then, we allowed them to think that they won to shut them up and give them the satisfaction that they so desperately needed.  that, and i didn't want goliath to climb down the beanstalk and wreak havoc.  so there's what really happened from a completely neutral perspective.

speaking of morals, i've realized that i am the moral center of all the groups to which i belong.  slowly, through much observation, i am finding that there are others here who are of a sound enough mind to be in that group. jerome is of course in the group, as is shania.  i mean c'mon, we've always been the moral center of this summertime group.  whenever kenan (who actually is very hilarious...like kevin hart, but much much MUCH shorter...i'm gonna buy tickets to his comedy show) or tia/tamera or stallone or any of these other nudnicks get into their crazy shenanigans, we always manage to catch each others' eyes from across the room and shrug.  because we're moral...that is why we shrug.  it's a fact.  if you're reading this and you're here and you've always wondered why, now you know.

the last day of training is tomorrow, as mentioned in the previous blawg, and then the real fun begins.  for some reason, though, it's just not the same this year.  last year i had "james."  james was deceived by my uber-calm demeanor last year and got the first impression that i was cold and hard to befriend.  we ended up being BFFs, and i expected him to be back this year.  he informed me at the eleventh hour that he wasn't going to make it.  for a while i did not want to come back if he wasn't going to be here.  life would be pointless.  we go together like whop-baba-loo-bop-a-whop-bam-boom.  it was epic, our friendship.  i'll see him next weekend though.  i finally broke down and told him that i secretly sneak into his house at nite while he and his wife are asleep and teach their newborn baby (my godson/nephew) three things: volleyball, japanese, and dry wit.

that was a digression; i was supposed to be talking about the real fun beginning.  but i've forgotten about whatever it was that was supposed to be, so i guess i've done all that i can think of for now.  more new characters to come.

oh yeah...funny story before being out.  yesterday during training, this girl, who we can call "wanda," randomly got up and walked across the room (this is while training is going on) to kill a bug.  and how.  she stomped whatever it was so hard; i think it registered as a 2.5 on the earthquake scale.  i can't really tell though, but two people almost fell out of their seats, kenan being one of them.  it would have been disastrous for him because he's already so short and on four phone books to see past his table.  had he fallen there would have been a whole liability thing.  anyway, good god she killed it dead.  then walked back to her seat and carried on like this was just part of the day.  according to kenan, who is short but has uncanny eagle eye sight, this bug was extremely small, and probably not even worth bothering.  i think that's what made the situation so funny.  had it been like one of those texas sized cockroaches, she would possibly have been regarded as a heroine.

ok, that's all for now, i'm out.

-w

everybody hates speaking...

warning: this one is very random, and almost pointless...

i've often been asked what exactly it is that i'm doing here.

so...we work with this program that essentially does a summer camp type thing for kids, but the distorted twist is that these kids actually care about learning, so they want to come and do well.  i know, it's weird.  the kids i'm used to dealing with are as far away from this idea than you can possibly imagine.  well, it's true; kids that care about their future do exist.  anyway, the way this program works is that it's a weekly thing.  a group of kids come for a week, do their thing, then go home, and we start over the next week with a fresh batch of kids.  it repeats for four weeks, so there are always fresh faces.  in the middle of this, there's always stuff that needs to be done.  make this, prepare that, supervise this, facilitate that, find him, get her, etc.  that's what i do in a nutshell.

now, here are more people who have arrived here.  i think i've already mentioned jerome, stallone, allie, kenan, and kel.  there are an endless cast of characters here, and i hope that i can keep up with whatever happens, at least majorly important stuff.  and by "important" i of course mean anything i think is relevant to my life.

meet "shania," a very nice southern girl who arrived and quite possibly at this point has the bulk of my respect so far on this program.  i will of course explain later.  let's see...there are "laverne" and "shirley," who are two gals who've done this program before and are quite funny together.  laverne is more out there and outgoing and crazy.  shirley is an enigma; she seems to be fascinated yet intimidated by black culture at the same time.  it doesn't really make much sense to me, but who am i to judge?  perhaps she should consult with kel, who's also of the white skin and equally obsessed with all things african-american.  there are the twins, "tia" and "tamera," who aren't as good at spades as they will claim to be.  "huey" is another character here.  he's pretty funny...well...his hair is pretty funny, and the butt of many jokes around here.  i've decided to take a step backwards and observe everything without taking sides.  life apparently is easier that way.  these are all returning character from last year.  there are a few more, but all in due time.

well, i said this before, but for some reason it's getting on my nerves a little bit.  back at school, a new member of our staff would walk around and pass right by you without speaking.  it didn't bother me much, but it bothered a lot of other people there.  i didn't really care because we weren't very close.  here, though, i have known many of these people for a while now and considered them friends, yet they don't speak.  shania, when she got here, came over and gave me a great big hug with a smile and a "hello" all at the same time.  from her, though, i'd expect nothing less.  but the rest of these...it's baffling to me.  i guess...bitches be trippin'.

it's friday, and harry potter came out at midnite.  huey and i went yesterday to try and get me a ticket to the midnite showing.  he and allie already had theirs.  we get there and the damn movie was sold out...all 10 showings.  fail.  i was late to our training behind that damn sold outness.  i was less than pleased.  i felt no better than a tick on a slow moving hound dog.  that's pretty bad.  i'll see it eventually.  ideally before i get back to texas, but my laziness tends to win out over everything except volleyball, and can't nobody keep up with me here.  i'm not bragging; i'm just that good at volleyball.  since we know that life is a great equalizer, to compensate for my unparalleled volleyball skills, i'm not good at basketball...at all.  that's why you've never seen me play, and you won't ever.  never.  don't even throw a basketball my way; i will let it fly past me and act like it never happened.  bet.

meanwhile, training is nearing its fateful end (tomorrow is the last day), and we're in our "permanent" rooms while the scholars (we have to call the kids "schoars"...it doesn't flow well on my tongue) will be here.  the good news is that we won't have roommates anymore.  don't get me wrong; jerome was and will always be a radical roommate (when he's not snoring, which sounds like he sawing petrified logs with a gasoline powered chainsaw), but we're too old for this.  the bad news is that...well, there is no bad news.  that's the bad news.  it sucks because i'm such a pessimist and there should just be bad news for the hell of it.  if it's any consolation, jerome and i are hallmates; our rooms are right next to each other, which means i'll probably hear him snoring the nite away if i'm awake...me and the rest of the east coast.

i sleep like i'm in a f*cking coma.  i sleep hard.  people literally have to shake me awake, which is after putting a mirror to my nose to see if i'm still breathing.  i inherited that from my mama, whose worse than me.  i don't know how i haven't overslept.  knock on wood.  i just need to go to sleep before jerome.  then i won't have to sneak into his room and put a breathe rite strip on his nose.  he'd thank me for it...him and the rest of the east coast.

lulululu,

-w

everybody hates coming back...

good god.  i'm doing it again.  and by "doing it again" i obviously mean making yet another futile attempt to revive this part of my life.  it's not much, but it is what it is.  here's the thing about keeping and maintaining a blawg...it's overly time consuming, especially for someone who is as lazy as me.  i mean, i'm pretty much typing out of my ass right now.

anyway, the primary reason i am resurrecting this otherwise neglected blawg is for more than one reason.  a while ago (at least 10 months), a couple of people wondered why i had not updated this thing, and were eagerly awaiting newness.  also, i felt like i could actually keep up with the demands of blawging this time 'round, as i do from time to time.  so here i am.  and i think what i'm going to do is change it up a bit.  while i still will offer the advice and commentary that only i can, i'm going to try and blawg about my experience with the group with which i work this summer, NYSP.  the creative part of this is going to involve changing the names of these coworkers of mine to protect the ignorant.  in essence, i'm going to attempt to tell a story, introducing a few characters at a time...god help us all...

let's start with me, wesley.  i will, and always will be, wesley.  as a sidenote, i truly cannot stand the ignorance that people display when they throw an extraneous "t" in the middle of my name.  honestly, does anyone know anyone whose name sounds the same as mine but is spelled "westly" or the lesser respected "westley"?  those are the folks who i always (for some strange reason) want to put in a headlock and take to the floor.

anyway, it's me, wesley.  i never change my name because i feel like anything that happens to me is pretty much well deserved, be it good or bad.  it is what it is.  so...i arrived in winston-salem, nc from dallas on yesterday in the afternoon.  i was tired, of course, and wanted to take a nap.  when i made it to my room, i found that there was two of everything: two beds, two sets of bedsheets, two chairs, two dressers, and (the least promising) two sets of instructions for us.  i thought to myself, "why are there two?  i don't need but one."  i put foolish thoughts aside and took a nap.  imagine my surprise when i woke up to another person in the same room.  were these people at NYSP giving us roommates?  really?  are we being taken back to those days?  of all the people it could possibly have been, it was (insert dramatic drumroll) "jerome," who just happens to be my real life coworker and not the worst person in the world.  we have a strange relationship, him and me.  we don't really speak outside of work, but there is a weird thing where we have to make each other laugh.  it's like a contest where we're trying to find that one thing that's going to make the other person literally rupture a blood vessel from laughing so hard.  it's great.  jerome is brilliant.

and thank goodness, because there is a whole cast of characters, any of which could have been my roommate.  i don't want to overwhelm your mind with everyone, so i'll hold off on that for now.  meanwhile, i was relieved about jerome.  i had always been under the impression that no one was going to come back this year, leaving me all alone.  i'm a loner.  surprise, surprise, almost everyone from last year is back again with all of their crazy antics.  yesterday evening, in addition to jerome, i was (and i use this term loosely...i'll explain after this sentence) greeted by "stallone" (the country girl from down the street and around the corner) and "allie" (who's fallen victim to the dreaded 'chris jones' syndrome...explain later).  i used the word "greeted" loosely because technically i wasn't greeted by either of them.  i just happened to be in the room and they were all over jerome, and then a sneer of a smile sent my way.  poo on them.  i'm passive aggressive.  and so the rest of the nite went.  jerome is very popular with these people; i am not.  shit happens.  in came "kenan" (the height-challenged comic relief) and "kel" (kenan's giant friend...well at least to him...who scares me), who talked to jerome for at least seven minutes before acknowledging my presence.  come on.  i'm not that socially awkward...not all the time.  long story short: i faded away quietly into obscurity and dreamed fantastic dreams.

next time: the introduction of more inane characters, and the beginning of training (which is what we do before the kids arrive), as well as a better description of what the hell i'm doing here for those who are not in the know.

peas out,

-w