2011 was an interesting year for me. what had once promised to be a three hundred sixty-five day torture session actually turned out to be quite decent. all kinds of sh*t happened to me, but then...more sh*t happened. i don't have a lot of time, but here were some big things...
i moved from one place to another...even though they were five hundred feet apart...i've gone through more roommates than toilet tissue...i've had to let go of some friends...i've driven across the country...i've been "fired" from a school just to be hired at another...i've found my long lost siblings...i've hit the mid thirties...oh, and i had four teeth ripped from out of my face...
the dentist and everybody in there were like, "what the hell are you doing?" to which i replied, "taking a picture."
this was me a couple months ago, sitting in the damn chair, breathing in copious amounts of what was probably just oxygen with a fake "nitrous oxide" label. my body's always been way ahead of western medicine, but that's for another day. the dentist had been telling me that i needed to have these things taken out years ago. i was like, "ten, fifteen years ago, i didn't have the pain that i do now. it was unnecessary."
the operation ended up going well. by "well" i mean i'm still alive.
school ended decently. when i get time, i must introduce a new child from the new school...beverly. yeah, it's an old school name, but trust me when i say it's well appropriate. this bitch has been trying her best to ruin my life at the new school. she's been going home and twisting my words so that her people are coming up to the school and trying to go in on me. bitches be trippin', because the truth shall whoop her arse.
anyway, the star of this blawg is the new year's eve eve party i decided to throw here at my nice little hideaway bungalow. i decided to text about seventeen people to see if they wanted to come, figuring that maybe six or seven would say yes. why did they all reply yes? they were like, "yes, i'd love to come...it sounds like a great idea." i was like, "aw hell, all y'all can't fit in my living room." but it ended up working out very well.
in attendance (hopefully i can get everybody right)...my high school classmate "pooh"; trip & luby (current coworkers and hopelessly ignorant siblings who should practice "incest"); kandi, big mama, jab, jab's former boyfriend/current fiance "chris", and pepper (former coworkers); my volleyball friends...daddy, "coach", "genevieve" (pronounced john-vee-EVVV-uh), and "mango"; and then trip's two stooges..."k-ci" and "jojo". it was a pretty good turnout, but kandi ended up being the star of the show.
have you ever seen n*ggas in their natural habitat? well if you haven't, send your kids to bed and hold on to something secure...
the category was "terms of endearment" and the letter was "s"...there was a controversy...
the category was "kinds of dance" and the letter was "s"...is "swing-out" a kind of dance, or what you do when you dance? we may never know...
these are just a small small small SMALL smidgen of the buffoonery that went on in my little bungalow. how dare n*ggas get that comfortable in my home. good god...the level of buffoonery was so high that it made my camcorder keep skipping and jumping. this was about an issue that trip had about kandi's answer to something during a spirited game of scattergories. i mean, i ended up winning, but it was hilarious to see them carrying on about this and that. we played a lot of games. genevieve brought encore, a great game that she's gonna have to bring to everything we do. you basically have to sing songs that have certain words or fit into specific categories. it was very enjoy. of course, like any n*gga we played taboo. the guys stomped a mudhole into the girls' va-jay-jays. their performance during taboo was the worst thing to hit the streets since the pt cruiser.
now, this isn't from my party, but from another engagement we had a while back. big mama is giving clues. and she was sober in that video. she gives clues like she's playing password or $100,000 pyramid. that's what the women had to put up with in the game. big mama is one...funny...bitch. chris, who is normally the hitler of taboo, opted out of this one...and here's why...
he actually did play once. he managed to net us guys a negative score that round. it was like being strapped to a chair with your eyes forced open and someone making you watch mariah carey's "glitter" over and over and over again...in the span of one minute. trip did not take kindly to him because of that...they made up later that nite.
scattergories, was...well...scattered, as you could tell from the videos. but i think the best game we played by far was a game that not too many like to play anymore. so many people think that it's overrated and antiquated, but i highly enjoy it, and everybody should.
it's a simple game called...conversation. the conversation pretty much dominated the night. actually, i take that back. conversation itself is a pretty good game, but it's played best when drinking. and boy did we drink...scratch that...and boy did we drank. there was wine (moscato of course, the n*gga's national drinking emblem; it overtook the forty years ago), beer, and liquor. kandi, pepper, and big mama brought some peach ciroc (which they kept spelling ciroq [sic]), and luby kept calling it pink ciroc. there was all kinds of liquor.
kandi kept calling trip and luby...trip and luby...damn...i think in her drunken stupor she stumbled on to something. oh well...when she sobers up next week she will have forgotten everything. and for good reason. this heifuh got so...wasted...plastered...hammered...to' up...blasted...shtupped...drunk...that it was like a one woman show for a while. she enlightened us all on everything, from marriage and back to marriage, and everything in between. for those of y'all who are married...i'll send you kandi's contact information because she has become a self-proclaimed guru on the institute of marriage. find her teachings and philosophies at www.thisbitchdrunkashell.com or follow her on the twitter at @premaritalsexistheonlysexyouwilleverhavesodontevergetmarried. big mama and pepper were not far behind in their antics. turns out they all had shots before walking through the door. who'd've thunk.
even jab got drunk. she went so far as to tell somebody to sit her "drunk tail" down. i looked at her crazy and was like, "girl say arse, arse, arse...sit your drunk arse down." these ladies tore it up.
let's not forget luby, who (as we all know) holds her liquor slightly better than a bucket without a bottom...or sides. she didn't see this, nor did any of the other drunken folks, but when she got up to go to the restroom, trip...well...he...
i told luby that i think she needed her drink refreshed, but she drank the pink ciroc anyway. trip just sat there while he, k-ci, and jojo tee-hee-heed and cack-a-lacked. i almost regurgitated. it was just further proof that they need to know each other.
well, it was a hell of a party i threw, and i had the best time of the year. we'll definitely get together and do it again, and i'll have my camera crew there next time. maybe next time we'll actually sit down and play some games. poor daddy, pooh, coach, and mango didn't really get to play too many game. we'll do better, because when you know better, you do better. oprah said that, and look at how she turned out. i won't be able to blawg again until next year, so unfortunately y'all are going to have to wait.
i have come up with resolution for '012, but you'll have to wait until next year to read about it. it's new beginnings for me in '012 (pronounced "oh twelve"). stay tuned to a year full of prophesied buffoonery and foolishness. merry '012.
just enough time to find something to do...and somebody please refresh luby's damn drink,
-w
