everybody hates kickball...

this is not gonna be too long.  we've got one more day before the very last batch of "scholars" are done, meaning that we've got one more day until we're all free from this place...at least for another year.

to start off, we had the team rally earlier this afternoon.  team rally used to be a time where each leadership group (that's a fancy name for class) shows off a cheer that they've made up to represent themselves.  that's how it was last year.  each group would get up, shout their leadership number, do a cheesy rhyming chant, and that would be it.  i can't really pinpoint it, but if i could, i would point the finger at huey...

last year he was an FA (faculty advisor...basically teacher) and his group got up and did their cheer.  there really aren't too many words that can describe it besides...well...awful.  let's be honest; better sh*t came out of his arse than what he put up on that stage.  that was, i believe, week one of last year's track.  those poor kids were subjected to going up, shouting whatever they felt like, and going back to their seats.  in all, i think that group's team cheer lasted for about four seconds, give or take a few nanoseconds.  huey must really have done something to anger god because his cheer was like a form of vengeance.

anyway, i think that was the wake up call that slapped the rest of us across the face like a frenchman initiating a duel.  somewhere along the way, the team cheer evolved drastically and dramatically from a few seconds of chanting to minutes long productions with music, choreography, props, themes, cues, smoke, skits, intros, shout outs, disses, and maybe...just maybe...an actual cheer related to the group's leadership strand (the four different theme lessons that we teach).  i bring all that up to lead to my group's cheer.  it was (for lack of a better word) epic.  we f*ckin' killed it today.  i just wish someone had a video of it.  basically...i had this idea for a team cheer for last week's group, but it didn't work out because that batch of bitches kept trippin', and so i allowed them to make the whole thing up and put it on, without any assistance from me.  they crashed, then burned.  i told this week's group about that; they listened to me without any problems.

of course this wasn't the exact skit, but it was the inspiration for what we did.  since i teach creative construction, we had hammers and saws and screwdrivers coming out of the blocks.  of course there was a mushroom and fire flower, as well as coins.  no star, though; we didn't have too much time to practice.  we basically threw it together in about two hours.  we even had the pause.  if anyone has the video of it, please please please let me know.

that's what team cheer has come to be over the past year.  we've turned it into an unofficial competition with each other to see who can be the most creative.  of course everyone's a winner...but between you and me, i won...hard.

speaking of huey...i've gotten to know him a little more since we've been roommates.  he's really an old soul.  and i'm talking about REALLY an old soul.  he's got this way of talking that makes him sound much older than he actually is.  he says things like "frigedaire" instead of "refrigerator" (i do it as well...but i really am old). he adds those miscellaneous mysterious syllables to words, knowing good and well that they don't belong there.  it's hilarious to me.

apparently we favor each other about the face.  lots of "scholars" come to us and call us each other's name.  i've been called huey and huey's been called wesley many many times since we've started this NYSP thing.  so i started asking these kids some questions, and received some very interesting answers.  as it is perceived by every single child here, huey and i favor each other about the face, and i look like a younger version of him.  i find this extremely interesting, as well as entertaining...

me: how old do you think mr. huey is?
child: i don't know...old.
me: how old?
child: in his forties.

they were doing double takes left and right when i told them that i was actually much older than huey.  huey is twenty-four, while i am thirty-three.  they couldn't believe it.  they still can't.  but it's true.

i digress.  the main point is that after dinner, we had recreation time.  i was supposed to be doing basketball with kel (which upset my stomach a little bit), but things ended up changing.  we ended up doing a kickball game with kids and grown folks.  the way it was, kenan and i were on one team, and the other team had kel, barney, and stallone.  kenan is quite the competitive person.  i admit, i didn't know that about him until today.

the game was tied at one point, and he said we were losing.  i told him it was tied, and he said if we weren't winning, we were losing.  well, we ended up winning the game.  kel tried to show off his "spectacular" kicking skills by kicking the ball damn near over the fence.  kenan did him one better and tried to peg kel as he was running home.  he blindly threw the ball in that direction, which just happened to be the direction of the very busy connecticut avenue.  the ball went into the street, and all you could hear was the screech of a tire, followed by a rather loud bump sound.  the ball suddenly was going in the opposite direction.  kenan was able to get it; the cars slowed down for him.  he managed to one-up himself later on by trying to be a superstar.  a kid was running home and he tried to peg them from afar again.  when you're shiftless like kenan, you don't really learn from mistakes the first time.  it takes time after time after time.

he threw the ball and this time it went right into the group of kids waiting at home plate.  it was like a cartoon moment when something really awful happens and the characters all turn around because they don't want to see it.  i was not like those cartoon characters.  i saw the whole thing myself.  that ball hit this poor girl in his stomach.  there were three kids directly in front of her, and they jumped out of the way at the last possible minute.  it was the funniest thing i had ever seen.  she went down and came back up like one of those training dummies.  she said she was alright, so all was well.

and so went the game.  kenan and kel spent the entire time trying to outdo each other.  it's great to see two...guys...engaged in friendly competition.  at one point, and he probably didn't even realize it, i snuck in move #62 on kel as he ran past me to second base.  it was a quick maneuver.  i caught him with an elevated spinning scissor kick that sent his entire body spinning around in place.  he spun a good ten times before he continued to run.  it happened so quickly that very few people saw it.

the game eventually ended up drifting into nothing, as kenan, kel, jerome, barney, and stallone went to play football.  football, by the way, is not my game.  i'm sticking with volleyball.  jerome threw a ball to me earlier and i missed it...horribly.  i can usually catch things, but throwing is a whole different story.  for some reason, i just can't throw a football if my life depended on it.  can't explain why.  maybe i should learn.

someone teach me how to throw a damn football before i turn thirty-five,

-w

everybody hates dookie...

first thing first...i'm off of my semicolon.  turns out i've just been sick.  i still can't really smell anything except for really strong odors, but for the most part it's hard to smell most things, which isn't necessarily bad.  i've had the sniffles as well, which could also have been a factor in my less than normal mood.  my kids this week have unfortunately gotten caught in the midst of all this.  oh well, their fault for getting in the way.

speaking of not being able to smell anything...i was in my classroom this afternoon with the kids.  the way it works around here, there are kids who stay in the place with us (residential scholars) and kids who don't (day scholars).  the day scholars leave at five o'clock, and the residential scholars stay and we have an hour to hang out with other groups and just do teambuilding games and other ill sh*t.

we get paired with random groups every day, and thank my lucky stars that i was paired with jerome and his group.  so we were in my room (because jerome's classroom is smaller than a breadbox) playing these games.  on a sidenote, i've noticed that kids these days play the most violent games ever.  here are the games we played: "mafia", "bang", "assassin", and "cops and killers."  do you see a pattern here?  i mean, what the hell ever happened to good old games like "tag" or "hide 'n' go seek" or "duck, duck, goose" or "red rover"?  there's a certain level of violence that kids seem to have to have in order to remain entertained.  back in my day, we didn't have a need for such violence.  the most violence we had was making someone "it" in tag.  things have changed since the 80s and 90s.  my kids are gonna stick to the old school classics.  bet.

i digress.  so jerome's group and my group are in there playing these games.  tamera had brought me a can of febreze earlier for some reason.  foreshadowing, perhaps.  i always welcome the opportunity to make something smell better, even if i can't smell it.  i put a lot of stock in febreeze and glade and air wick and other smell goods.  i sprayed it into the air conditioner so it could travel throughout the room.  word gets out fast, because shirley came and borrowed it.  anyway, while we were playing a game, jerome stepped out for something, and we kept playing.  he came back into the room with an expression on his face that i hadn't seen in quite a while.  he told me that a "scholar" (and at this point in the game, we have to use that word extremely sparingly) shat on herself in shirley's classroom, which is right next door.  i just had to look at him with a crazy expression because these kids are fourth, fifth, and sixth graders.  they are too damn old to be doing that.  it did, however, explain why shirley had come into my room for the febreeze earlier.  i told jerome that i couldn't believe it, and he told me to go and see for myself.  i gathered myself and walked next door...

%$#@(&!$#

that was the only thing that went through my mouth.  i just walked in laughing.  shirley was looking at me, wondering why i was laughing...like she didn't know.  you could literally smell both the febreeze and the dookie.  it was like two strong odors battling for the title.  if my nose was out of order before then, it sure opened up like the red sea after going into that room.  the febreeze went into one nostril and the sh*t went into the other one.  and the strangest thing was that the girl was apparently still sh*tty.  as it was told to me, this happened at least a couple hours before.

PAUSE...

how the hell could a person go that long with dookie all up in the crack of her arse and not say anything about it.  we must first analyze the facts.  this is the national young scholars program.  the kids have to be nominated by teachers or other rocks of their community to be here.  that means that they are supposed to have common sense, good sense, book sense, and just be total nerds.  that's the way it used to be around here.  now they just let anyone in who has two thousand dollars.  how the mighty have fallen.  it's not the national young ruhtards program.  it just doesn't add up.

we must then look at the fact that this girl is around ten years old.  how could you do something like that and not be still sucking on your mother's breast and wearing diapers?  ten is a little too old to still be doing this...and not be in somebody's special ed class.

then let's look at that fact that since this poor girl is a socially and academically competent person, she chose not to say anything.  now, there is a maybe one millionth percent of a chance that she is the kind of person who is that shy.  since she's been nominated to be in a program such as this, i doubt it.  everybody here knows how to talk.  even if she is "shy," she couldn't make the choice to go to the bathroom and at least wipe some of it off?  insert gag here.

this is the kind of buffoonery with which we have to deal here.  kids that don't have home training, kids that are ABT but whose parents are quick to claim ADHD, kids who need a belt put to their arses, kids who aren't playing with a full deck, kids who are overly immature, kids who are so big that they probably applied to work here but didn't get picked so they just decided to come as scholars, kids who are ignorantly ghetto, and kids who sh*t on themselves.

shirley, needless to say, has been put on the prayer list for the time being.  she may have the rest of the febreeze from my room.  i will not object to it at all...that is, unless some ignorant f*ck decides to try that in my class.  that's when the sh*t will really hit the fan...pun intended.

the best week ever continues,

-w

everybody hates semicolons...

i'm on my semicolon.

for those of you not in the know, a semicolon is the closest thing to what might be referred to as a period...except it's for men.  it's a period...with a penis.  a semicolon.  it doesn't happen monthly, though.  the semicolon can happen at any given moment for any given amount of time, and can be caused by any given reason for any given person.  i don't usually go on a semicolon unless a certain number of things don't go the way they're supposed to go consecutively.  i can usually resolve one rather quickly, but every now and then they seem to last forever.  for example, i had one last wednesday and it lasted a couple days.  no big deal; it was caused by the kids i had that week.

i woke up feeling very strange this morning.  as it turns out, i'm kind of a psychic when it comes to misfortune.  perhaps it's because my middle name is schadenfreude.  it's a word that describes a person who for some reason takes delight in others' misfortunes.  so i guess it makes sense that i can sometimes see bad things coming.  the trade off, though, is that i can't foresee them in enough time to do anything about them, so they end up happening anyway.  so that's me, mr. schadenfreude.  turns out, a few things are going on back in dallas that have me on edge and feeling uneasy.  i won't depress you with details, but let's just say that things aren't the way they need to be right now.  a combination of problems have brought about a semicolon.  this one's gonna take a while to sort out, but i don't doubt that things will work out.  they always do.

speaking of hoping that things work out...

today marks the last week that i'll be here in chevy chase.  then i'll be back on my way to dallas.  twenty-one hours lie ahead of me.  that will give me lots of time to think about life, and all that jazz.  anyway, some people left and aren't going to be here this week.  tyrone and laura lee are gone.  laverne was gone, as was "la-rwanda" (another new face this year...crazy but cool), but they're back this week.  laverne, who if you remember is friends with shirley, is overly bubbly and what i could term the opposite of me.  i'm a pessimist by nature; she is an optimist.  she's always getting on me about not having anything positive to say.  although i do have so many things about which to be positive, she always just happens to catch me right after i've said something nice.  i usually feel the urge to cancel out a positive with a negative.  that creates neutrality, which is me all day.

well, we were having a meeting earlier this evening and laverne suggested that we all go around and tell why this is going to be the best week ever, starting with reasons that today is the best day ever.  it got to me last, and all the good answers that i could've said were already taken.  what else was there?  i don't even remember what i said.  oh wait, it was something about having clean clothes.  if anyone has any suggestions on how the next five days are going to be the best days ever, please comment and let me know.  i'm going to need all the help i can get.  but i figure that if i never bring it up, she might forget about it.  laverne is peppy.

with five days left here, i'm getting mentally ready to return to my regular life in texas.  of course i'll see jerome again (we're both dallasites), but no more of anyone else, at least not until next year (if i decide to do this again).  leaving is bittersweet, but since i'm not leaving right now, it's a non-issue.

something strange is happening here, meanwhile.  i'm currently at about a seventy-eight percent understanding, but i think i have an idea.  it has to do with the food here.  this morning i was completely prepared to skip lunch and go get real food, but tootie and amanda called and told me that it was self-serve lunch.  i went in and there was bacon as far as the eye could see.  at first i wasn't too excited because i think i chipped a tooth behind their damn bacon last week, but it looked different.  turns out it was the good bacon that they use to lure people into a false sense of security.  they want us to think that the food here will be really good, but of course...  for dinner they had peppersteak...which tested my gag reflex.  i failed the test...miserably.

my batch of kids this week, if i'm predicting this correctly, is gonna possibly be this week's GBC.  that stands for "ghetto boo crew."  it's when you get a group of kids that act straight out the hood and off the streets.  i got one boy who had a couple of the girls messing with him a bit.  i told him, "looks like you got a couple girlfriends over there."  he took a couple seconds to think about that, then came back with..."and i got a couple more back at home...i'm a playa."  i was done right then and there.  maybe it'll be good for something.

kel took a couple shots back today and almost made contact.  it was...odd...but...i think i'm gonna miss him the most out of everybody here.  that makes the most sense to me.  i just felt i had to throw in a kel reference somewhere in here.  after all, the war will end in five days...the blackest night...ragnarok...

i'm a blue lantern for the time being,

-w

everybody hates being the victim...

well...this won't be an omnibus.  but it will have a throwback to things from the past.  i know, i know, i'm a little flaky...but hey, i'm flaky...i'll do whatever.  many times i just close my eyes and do whatever i want.  oh look, i'm george bush...

being a victim is no easy task.  i think it's only fair to be a victim when you've not only been victimized, but when you've been on the other side as well.  it kind of brings the whole thing full circle and makes you understand what it's like.  i've been victimized...and unfairly so...you be the judge in these two situations.

the first one involved me driving from north carolina to maryland.  a friend and coworker of mine, "patty," told me that taking highway 29 would be more of a scenic way to get to the area, instead of the routine interstate.  i had no idea that this highway 29 was more of a state highway, and a country highway at that.  the speed limit was not above sixty for ninety percent of the drive.  it was awful to have to drive so slowly for so long.  now i know what torture feels like.

so i'm driving and drinking water.  dasani makes this strawberry water.  it's not really strawberry water like you would think; it's just regular water with a splash of strawberry flavor.  it's not sweet or anything.  just water with a slightly strawberry twist.  back in wake forest they would have cucumber water, orange water, lemon water, and (insert gag here) grapefruit water.  i tried the cucumber water on a friend's recommendation.  not too bad, not too bad at all.

i digress.  after drinking all that water, i got to the point where i had to pee.  i had just passed what could have been mistaken for civilization a while back, so i was stuck in the middle of nowhere for a while.  i had to get to the next town; i just had to get there.  so, in an area where the speed limit was sixty, i was going seventy.  i figure, everybody knows that whatever the speed limit is, you can always go five over.  sixty-five wasn't hittin' it for me; i needed to do five better.  well, i was going up a kind of hill and saw a cop a little way up.  i let up on the gas and avoided hitting the brakes, but apparently the damage had already been done.  i saw his brake lights light up and was like, oh sh*t.  this man is comin' to get my arse.  of course he did, because that's just my luck.  he pulls me over and i have to stop in the grass because we're in such a country area of the...country...that the shoulders are only about an inch wide.  personally, i didn't want my tires to get messed up.  keep in mind that i had to pee something terrible by this point.

the guy comes over and already has an attitude.  i'm all smiling with my southern self, talking about the weather and making small talk (as best as i can) and all he can say is, "license and registration."  not even a "please" was added.  he obviously must not have been southern.  i quickly pulled out my license and insurance information, thinking that it was registration.  i've never understood what registration was.  i have a registration sticker (which, as i'm thinking about it, expired seven days ago...need to change that out as soon as i can), but who the hell is supposed to know about all this stuff?  he goes to his car and comes back a few agonizing minutes later.  when you have to go, and circumstances prevent you from going, the urge to go gets exponentially worse.  he comes back to the car with a smart arse remark: "this is your insurance, not registration like i asked.  i ran it through your car sticker anyway, though."  why the sh*t did you put me through all of that when you could have easily just put in the damn sticker information?

me: i'm sorry sir, i didn't understand what the registration meant.
cop: speed limit is sixty, caught you going ten over the limit.
me: oh, okay.
cop: gonna have to give you a citation.
me: are you ever going to speak in a complete sentence? [i'm of course thinking that]

when i say i had to use the bathroom so badly...at that point i would have poured out my water bottle and went right there, but i paid $1.79 for that water.  times is hard.

me: sir, i'm not gonna argue with you about speeding, but i really REALLY need to use the restroom right now.
cop: well, gotta get your information first.
me: i completely understand that.  i just need to use the restroom.  i don't care what you have to do at this point.  i just need to go.  would it be possible for me to go in those bushes?  i have to go that badly.
cop: that would be unlawful.
me: is that a no?
cop: yes.
me: you've got to be kidding.

i stopped right there, because i sensed myself getting an attitude back at this man.  he was not going to let me pee.  i should've pissed on him and his car.  he went back to his car and do you know it took him almost twenty minutes to come back?  i know this because about four songs played through my speakers.  i had to concentrate with all my energy on the music.  it was the only thing i had to distract me from having to pee on myself.  he finally came back with...not a ticket...a summons.  a f*cking summons to appear in a random court somewhere in virginia.

me: sir, i live in texas.  you know this.  you've just taken down my information.  i'm not moving to virginia, and i don't think i'm ever going to even be on this road again.  is there any way i can take...
cop: [cutting me off] information's on there about how to pay online.
me: oh.

i was more annoyed than upset about the entire situation.  after i got my little summons (which was only about fifty dollars), he told me to buckle up (because i was ready to get out and pee if he had said it was okay) and have a nice day.  i rolled my eyes, and tried my absolute best to not speed off.  the bright side of this story was that i made it to a restroom without peeing on myself...but it was not easy by any means.  my bladder had pushed not only my liver out of the way, but my prostate, both kidneys, intestines (small and large), and i think my right lung.  i know this because i felt them shift back into place after i peed.

if that ain't a story about being a victim, then i don't know what is.  and, after than happened, i came to the conclusion that patty should pay the ticket, since it was her idea that i go that way anyway.  give me a good old interstate highway anytime, where i can be free to go seventy-five and even higher if i want.

the second situation, which i probably should've mentioned first, is a little more...what's the word to fit here...touchy.  i'm not gonna reveal any names that would make anyone out to be a snitch, because snitches wear stitches.  i wanna first start off by making it known that i consider myself a very fair and just person as best as i can.  there, i said it.

through some miraculous means, i got wind of the fact that kel read my last blawg and allegedly felt...well...victimized a bit.  from the way it was explained to me, "victimized" is the only word i can use that makes an iota of sense.  now, i guess i should clarify some things.  the first thing i want to make clear is that i am standing by the words i so carefully chose before.  my opinion about things has not changed.  i was disrespected first and foremost, which is the catalyst for this whole war in the first place.  honestly, i'd rather be at war with kenan or someone on that level of...height.

with that written, i also want to go back over the initial incident, not for the sake of reliving the past.  i overheard this child speak these words as i was walking by.  i kept walking, so it is quite possible (though highly unlikely) that i could have heard what ended up being a joke.  in the case of a joke, then i can claim fault.  i mention unlikeliness because if i wanted to joke about a person on that kind of level, i'd kind of want to make sure that person was in proximity.  which brings me to the third point.  there could have been a possibility (also unlikely) that he knew i was in the area and said that just to throw me off of his case.

a part of me even believes that i'm even giving alibis.  don't get it twisted; i value friendship very deeply because they're the people who you choose to be in your life.  that's important to me.  kel is intrinsically a nice person, but i am hopelessly passive-aggressive and unreasonably unforgiving.  so if the original incident turned out to be true, then i must maintain my current level of disgust.  if there is even an ounce of possibility of another option, then i am open to reconsideration, although i don't really see it.  anyway, as it was explained to me, i got the impression that i am to initiate a "conversation" with kel.

that i don't comprehend.  logically i can see how it makes sense.  if you have a problem with someone, go to that person and deal with it.  that works with most people, but this is me.  i can't function that way.  it's not necessarily my way or the highway; i have my own way of handling things.  besides, i feel like i've spoken my piece.  if he's the one with the problem, then i would think that he would be the one to approach me...and not aggressively, because...well...no.  main point: i am the unfortunate victim.  lol, ちゃんと公平的に説明しようはずだったのに...i'm part japanese.

enough of that silly sh*t.  this isn't a teenage girl's drama blawg about high school life.  so, as i was typing away, i suddenly remembered another type of victimization to which i was subjected.  the video is blurry, and not really as relevant as the sound, so just listen to this:

this was someone singing to adele's "rolling in the deep."  had this been a karaoke video game, she was pulling a perfect score until about the forty-seventh second.  i was like, that ain't how the song goes.  it was funny, but being the kind person i am, i didn't say or start anything.  it wasn't until this whole show was over that this quickly became a cult classic.  i was walking with jeanette (who, along with laura lee, are gone from NYSP this week, insert sad face here) back to our rooms, when fred and barney came out of nowhere and gave their rendition of the whole thing.  i need to get video of them doing it.  barney has been the most bold.  at one point, it was him, fred, jakob (whom i haven't mentioned in a while...just felt like putting that name in) performing it together, ensemble style.  i got to the point where i couldn't cry anymore. i just couldn't spare the fluid.  victimization of the ears.

i'm a cylon,

-w

everybody hates blawgstipation...

i'm suffering from a condition i've termed "blawgstipation."  it's a sort of constipation of the mind, where you have so much that you want to write, yet have so little time to actually get it all out.  this results in a stoppage in the brain, and when you actually do find the time to write, everything is completely jumbled inside your head, keeping you from getting anything out concisely.  there is not much that is known about the condition, and as far as i know, the only treatment for it is to just sit up one night and write until it's all out.  uh...no...not tonight.  i've only got a small window of time to blawg, and every second counts, so i guess i better quit piddlin' and get to whatever it is...

the food at this place is just awful.  it's "cafeteria" food, like luby's, but of course much worse.  we have had some incarnation of chicken almost every day (there was one day that they didn't serve chicken).  chicken capicola, chicken tenders, honey glazed chicken, chicken casserole, chicken quesadillas, chicken fried garbage...it just goes on.  as the days go by, i become more and more convinced that they're just digging through the trash can and reheating whatever they pull out.  i honestly think i've chipped a tooth on some damn bacon during breakfast.  i can't help but taste enamel every now and then.

naturally i've been eating out.  although being here is a great way to lose weight, i don't really wish to die here. i had pizza hut last night and it was great.  i was going to blawg last night afterwards, but i caught the "itis" and was unable to do so.  i was later informed by "chi chi" (who is one of the higher ups and apparently a good friend of jeanette) that the scientific name is "ethnic post-dining fatigue."  they come up with names for everything these days.  but it is what it is.  i had a terrible case of EPDF.

it's too bad, because it turns out that a lot happened.  i can't really mention everything because it's jumbled in my head (the blawgstipation), but i'll do what i can...

last night, while on the way to get pizza hut, i was with barney and tootie.  we were going down the hall to leave to get to the parking lot, when kenan and kel were (what could only be described as) "wrestling" with stallone and shania.  and...by "wrestling" i, of course, mean "foreplay."  good god, the sexual tension between those four was so thick it couldn't be penetrated by a steel dildo.  stallone and shania, bless their hearts, were going all out.  they were hitting (and mostly missing) the one and a half guys, and it was just awkward for a while...

meanwhile, here's the update on the war with kel.  he's finally "getting it" now.  i have been pretty much kel-lite for the past thirty-six hours and while it does pain me on the inside, i know that i have to press on.  there have been no reasons to use any moves; after the whole "buddy" thing a few days earlier and all that bullsh*t, there was a moment when, outside my classroom, he said something about where our "friendship" went wrong.  i obliged with a suggestion to read the blawg.  for a split second, it seemed like he honestly didn't know the reason behind the madness.  true, i overheard him at the table, and he may not have known it...  does that make me guilty?  i was just minding my business, trying to go and get something to drink.  ignorance isn't always bliss.  sometimes it's detrimental to society.  clearly an example, this war.  and...AND...wesley likes to win wars.

speaking of wars...there was a staff appreciation game night thing tonight.  to tell the truth, i think it was a front put on by the bosses to temporarily shut us up since there are so many complaints about the gruel to which we are subjected on a thrice daily basis.  and how...it was f*ckin' papa john's.  imagine all the pizza joints go from top to bottom in a great big totem pole.  papa john is at the absolute bottom of the totem pole.  pizza hut is the top, naturally.  the thing with papa john is this...they put that damn pepperoncini in the box, and the taste gets into every slice.  they cover their toppings with cheese, so you don't know what the hell you're gonna be eating.  when it comes to pizza, i don't enjoy being surprised.  i want to know what i'm eating.  i'm picky like that.  they also put way too much tomato sauce in their pizza.  you take a bite, and a geyser of tomato sauce spouts up every time you eat, like it's old faithful.

so, at this game night, tia and tamera, now also known as the twin evilenes, wanted to play spades.  they were apparently a little ticked that they got called out about their cheating, so huey and i agreed to play a game with them.  again, we did this whole best of however many games wins thing, which is not familiar to me.  i'm used to playing point to five hundred, or two fifty, or anything.  it puts more stock in the game for me.  so, we're playing, and i'm not going to cut corners here.  we lost to them, three games to four.  to hear it from their mouths you would think that they ran a series of perfect games.  it was a narrow victory.  cards can go either way.  we all know that.

the best part, though, had absolutely nothing to do with spades.  huey and the twin evilenes have some sort of hair war going on.  huey's hair looks like rats have been chewing on it (which doesn't bother me because i'm neutral), and the twin evilene's hairstyles have been called "mount rushmore" (again, neutral).  this pretty much went back and forth the entire game.  i think i cried, and a little bit of pee came out once this happened...  we had just started a new game, and huey and i won the first book.  before i could take it, huey cast a custom spell from the world of harry potter..."accio book."  in case you're not a harry potter fanatic as i'm, the "accio" spell is used to bring something to you.  for example, "accio broom" would bring a broom to you.  so imagine this scenario...

evilene tia: y'all ain't sh*t. [plays a card]
huey: you need to stop all that trash talkin'.  we gon' get ours. [plays the winning card]
evilene tamera: y'all better be tryin' to concentrate. [plays a card]
me: what led? [plays a card]
........pregnant pause.........i go to take the book.
huey: accio book.
.......i burst into a fit of laughter, tears, and trace amounts of pee........
evilene tamera: um...accio game.

it was nonstop.  it was like being in the middle of a comedy show.  the trash talk went on and on and on and on.  it was great.  trash talking has been a tradition of spades for generations.  if there's no trash talk, it's either not a real game of spades, or you're playing with white people.

i digressed a lot.  um...yes, the foreplay thing.  it was pretty uncomfortable to watch without protection.  kel, by the way, has been wearing the awkward crown for a couple of days now.  more on that later.  sorry tyrone.  i'm not really afraid of tyrone, but he's got that kind of edge where if you knew he was following you in the parking lot, you'd intentionally walk past your own car and just amble around until you were sure he was gone, then double back to your car and do whatever you had to do to get out of there.  thank my lucky stars that he has accepted me as an acquaintance.  kel, meanwhile, seems to be getting blacker by the day.  he even wears black clothes, probably under his work clothes.  if god ever decides to test me by putting the two of us as roommates, and i wake up one morning and see him sleeping in blackface, i'd ask god to take me right there on the spot, because then i would have seen it all.

here's a possible glimpse of the future...

my grandson: my granddaddy knew kel.
grandson't friend: really?  the kel, from tv?
my grandson: yep.  they used to work together at this thing called NYSP.  it was some summer camp for ABT kids. [ABT stands for "ain't been taught"]
grandson's friend: wow, that's great.  did they hang out with each other a lot?
my grandson: oh...i don't think so.  they didn't really get along.
grandson's friend: why?  i bet everybody liked kel.  he's coolest white n*gga ever.
my grandson: listen, dude, when i tell you that my granddaddy hated on kel so muthaf*ckin' bad...they never really got along...ever.  my granddaddy even put...[in a whisper] move #1 on him...
grandson's friend: [gasp] move #1?  that move's forbidden because it's so dangerous...
my grandson: i know, that's how my granddaddy died...

so you can understand why i have to do all i can to prevent that future from coming to pass.

the next time i blawg there will have to be a sort of omnibus, because there are still those residual stories from wake forest that are being overshadowed by what's going on here.  i promise i'll do my best to get to them.  they are worth mentioning, especially the adele incident.  i've double checked...it's confirmed...there will be a video to accompany that story.  please stay tuned for that.  it just might go viral.

tyrone is just gonna have to fight me over the story i'm gonna crack wide open next blawg.  he might put a hit out on me, but i don't care.  i've got bodyguards now...three of them.  bet you didn't know that.

whatcha not gon' do?

-w

everybody hates neutrality...

i've never considered myself to be on anybody's side.  i'm always on the sideline.  i'm not overly judgmental, although it has been proven that i do judge you when you use poor grammar.  it is what it is.  choosing sides, to me, is way overrated.  it's limiting.  who wants to be on one side when you can be neutral and be everybody's friend?  i'm not much of a people pleaser by nature, but i try to not have issues with most people.  i know that in this world, you can't be everybody's friend.  i know this because the opposite is true: everybody can't be my friend.  not that being my friend is such a wonderful opportunity.  i know tons of people who make better friends than me.  i kid, i kid.  no one's a better friend than me.

i'm passive-aggressive.  everybody knows this about me.  i won't usually come right out and tell if something's bothering me.  that something is bothering me will eventually come out, but in pretty insidious ways.  i've had this issue from early on.  forget, i do plenty; i never forgive.  hell, i think i can remember everything that's been said to me or about me that has hurt my feelings.  it's built me up to be the person i am today, an overly neurotic person who has been almost completely desensitized to the concept of compassion.  but to balance it all out, i make myself laugh.  lol.  see, i told you.

the preface leads up to this whole damn thing with kel and me.  notice i didn't write "me and kel" because that would be grammatically incorrect.  and remember, i judge you when you use poor grammar.  i think it's only fair that i be an example to all those out there who are ignorant of the concept of good grammar.  the biggest issue i have is probably the confusion with "your" and "you're."  that bothers the sh*t out of me.  and it should bother you, too.

i digress.  so it turns out that tia and tamera read my blawg and were less than impressed with it.  i don't know why.  i don't put people on blast unless it's absolutely necessary.  i'm not really that kind of person.  then again, i guess it could be the passive-aggressive side.  who knows?  i do.  anyway, they have been forcing me to choose a side...because i'm either with them or against them.  that's the same thing i tell my kids.  if it works for them, i guess it should be enough for me.  except i'm too old for that.  twins, if you're reading this, which i know you are because i can see you looking at it...i'm in the middle.  i'm not on anyone's side.  it's by choice.  if there's anybody you should be wary of, it's kel.  he changes sides more than...well...someone who changes sides a lot.  i've heard from an anonymous source that he's on the side of the person with him at that moment (with the exception of me, of course). that, again, is from an unnamed source.  he just goes where the wind blows him.  PS, there were no casualties in the great ice war of 2011.  i meant to put that in the last blawg.  well, actually i think there was a slight tragedy.  barney's spirit was a little crushed by the emotional wear and tear of the whole war thing.  it happens.

huey and i are roommates, and i've been called him numerous times since i started working here this summer.  he's told me that he's been called me as well.  it turns out that we have very similar personalities.  we're both laid back and easygoing.  he takes a lot of sh*t from people here, but i told his arse to take a stand and fight back.  that's just me.  i'm a tell it like it is kind of person.  speaking of fights, i keep on missing the main thing here.  i was (again) fortunate enough to be (pseudo) invited to hang out with some of the big fish of this whole group.  there were jerome and kenan, fred and barney, huey, and kel.

rewind...at lunch, i was going to get dessert and something to drink and kel, from out of nowhere, comes up and asks me how i'm doing...touches me and calls me...and this is the part that really just took me out the game..."buddy."  now, i'm not really one to drop the "f bomb" too much because it's just too strong of a word for me; i just can't always handle the power it carries with it.  but if there weren't so many kids and other riff raff around, i could've f*cked him up right then and there.  this war is getting out of hand, lol.

alright, here's the backstory that started this whole thing.  it actually started about a year ago.  when i first came to work at nysp, kel was actually the first person i met.  he seemed to be pretty cool.  the only qualm i had about him was that he was taller than me.  i have this very strange thing about people taller than me.  it irks me just a little bit.  i don't know why...maybe i subconsciously don't like being looked down on, but whatever.  it's an extremely minor thing.

what also annoys me are tall people who don't know how to play volleyball.  i'm right around the average height of 5'10" (actually 5'9.5" but i round up) and have to work quite hard to jump up and hit a damn ball over an eight foot tall net.  my vertical ain't but a few millimeters.  shout outs to team FUN.  tall guys should just stick to basketball and leave us alone.  it's not easy to have a seven foot tall guy spike a ball at your head on a regular basis.

so back to that...nice person.  cool guy.  no problem.  things were going smoothly.  everybody would hang out and have a good time.  and then one day, randomly, i was made aware to the obviously apparent fact that i was (and these are the exact words) "such a tool" by kel himself.  i was just walking along, minding my own business in the cafeteria, and was sat with some people.  i went to get something to drink, and walked past kel and some others, whom i guess must remain nameless.  i overheard their conversation (i wasn't eavesdropping) and there it was.  at first i was like, oh not me.  then i was like, that's pretty funny.  but after hearing about how i apparently "just hang around people who'll listen to him" and "acts like that just to get people's attention" i figured out that a joke it was not.  this is, by the way, completely true to the best of my knowledge.

that's sad because i thought i was such a nice person.  i didn't know that my whole reason for being was to get others to like me.  i considered myself better than that.  anyway, that's the reason, so for all you eager readers who were asking about it, there it is.  and it's not like i don't want to have anything to do with him, but...well...when you realize that there's someone out there who's thinking such things about you, you tend to want to steer clear of that person.  i don't necessarily think that he's full of sh*t, but i do think he should've told me to my face instead of telling others and pretending to be friendly.  i talk sh*t about people all the time, but those people know it because i'll tell them...and most of the time it won't be for real.  bitches be trippin'.

moving right along...each day brings so much more material that i can't keep up.  i'm so far behind that i'm gonna have to do a omniblawg that just puts everything out there.  there's still lots of stuff from wake forest that i didn't mention, and i have to get the story out about the police officer.  now that i'm in chevy chase, the place at which we're staying serves chicken every day.  we've been here since sunday and there has been chicken in (except for one) every lunch and dinner so far.  it's awful.

tomorrow is the variety show.  it's a large reason i stick around here.  the talent of these kids is just awful.  some of them really have a lot of talent.  the problem is that they choose to do things that are completely not in their area of expertise.  hopefully i'll get to be the MC.  it's big fun because i can host and tell funny knock knock jokes.  they're so funny.

time for roommate bonding time,

-w

everybody hates ice...

i hate to inform you that this is gonna have to be another quickie.  it's past midnight and i need to be in the bed now, but i have to get this out before it gets too old too quickly.  i promise i'll get to everything that there is to mention, but this is buffoonery in one of its highest forms...

i didn't know that i was going to be caught smack dab in the middle of the great ice war of 2011.  it was a typical late night.  i was lucky enough to be "invited" by kenan to the room of shania and stallone (they're roommates here), where a few people were just hanging out.  in the room at the time were shania and stallone (of course), kenan, tia, and tamera.  because kenan was there, so was kel.  come to think of it, i don't think i've ever seen one without the other nearby.  which reminds me...people have been asking about this whole animosity i have towards kel.  they want to know if it's real or made up.  well, i can say that everything mentioned on this blawg is accurate.  as for the underlying reasons, there is one.  but not tonight.  this is supposed to be a quickie.

anyway, shania, stallone, kenan, kel, tia, tamera are in the room.  jerome came in for a bit, but left upon realizing that he was without his phone.  we rely too much on our cell phones these days, if you ask me.  meanwhile, "tyrone" was there as well.  he's a guy who works here and has a very similar face to someone who was here last year.  he's quite funny, and a little intimidating to many people, but not me.  there was also "fred" and "barney" in attendance.  fred and barney are like a more modern version of kenan and kel, but they're a little more independent.  i've seen them separately on many occasions.  they're also quite funny, but that's for another time...and boy, is that story funny.  on a sidenote, i've been called a "slanderer" by barney.  just thought i'd mention that so that i could make time for a full rebuttal...to come at a later time.

what happened was really quite simple; we were all sitting around, listening to the n*gga music that kenan (and by association, kel) likes.  there are two full size beds in their room.  i was on one, along with shania and kenan.  barney, tyrone, and stallone were on the other bed.  there was a small table at which tia and tamera sat.  everyone else had gone at this point.  while kenan killed our brain cells with his n*gga music, somehow a single, solitary, lone piece of ice flew through the air.  it was like slow motion.  it arced gracefully in a beautiful parabolic curve and kind of ricocheted off of tia's forehead.  i have to take time out to say...i have a big forehead because my hairline is receding.  i've accepted it.  tia's head has been described (not by me, but by others) as "damn, she got a big arse head."  so it hit tia's forehead and shattered into millions of tiny fragments, one of which i think got me in my eye.  she was already a little sleepy, and possibly nodding off as it happened.  she was in a daze when she realized what had happened.  i saw the whole thing; i know who did it.  kenan and barney kept egging her on about it, so she started to get at them.  kenan, who is known for being a habitual sh*t talker, was teasing the most, talking about he didn't throw that ice.  barney was a little more low key about the whole situation, although he did throw his two cents in every now and then.

i don't know if tia was upset, but if her finger in your face is any indication of her level of anger, i'd say she was trying to drive that finger through someone's skull.  she waved it with much conviction.  she was whispering sweet nothings at both kenan and barney, because she wasn't sure who did it.  again, i know who the real culprit was.  tamera was sitting there laughing, as we all were, and that's about when the sh*t hit the fan.

ice from an ice bucket began flying across the room, like all of a sudden we had been thrown into the middle of afghanistan.  i quickly hid under some pillows that i had snatched from behind kenan.  stallone and shania were being used by kenan and barney as human shields.  tyrone couldn't stop laughing.  all of this happened in the blink of an eye.  i didn't know what to do.  and then the ice was gone.  tia had pretty much gone around the room and threatened anyone who has a connection to ice that she would cut their arse.  i didn't want my arse to be cut.  i like my arse the way it is...well, i guess it could be a little more firm.  i should exercise more.

i used to do p90x, the workout thing, but i had to stop because i was getting up at five in the morning to do it. with school and volleyball and stuff going on, i just had no time in the day to get it done, so the early morning was the only time.  it worked out for about a month, but it was taking a toll on my sleeping schedule.  my body needs so many hours of sleep per month, and if that quota is not met, bad things will happen.  long story short...i stopped, although i plan on doing it again.  i've gained a few pesky pounds since i've been gone from home.  funny what three consistent meals a day will do to you.

wowsers, digression.  so, the great ice war of 2011 may go down in the history books as one of the coldest wars ever fought without a clear winner.  it was borderline epic.  the only thing that would have made it great would have been to have stallone and shania take the thrown ice and rub it all...let's just say that they should've taken the ice and put it in their drink cups.

nice cover,

-w