everybody hates quickies...

okay, i have about fifteen minutes to spare before i have to be back at work for the morning meeting, so i'm gonna try and do a quick-for-free blawg that doesn't really count.  it's just a means for me to get a couple of things out in a short period of time, while everything will eventually come out when time becomes more readily available.  even if it doesn't, who cares?

i just got out the shower a few minutes ago.  i had to wash off those last remnants of wake forest (and north carolina in general) and the kids who lived there.  needless to say, i was in the shower for quite a while.  this means that i'm in chevy chase, maryland, now.  we're at a place that could be described as part campus, part conference center, part motel, part hostel, part apartment, part of a whole.  there are two sets of bunk beds in here, and i'll be damned, we're back to having roommates.  apparently, you can choose who you want to be your roommate.  i never do; i just leave it up to fate.  these days, though, fate hasn't seemed to be on my side as much...

would you choose this as a roommate?

or would you choose that as a roommate?

as a sidenote, it's not my personal hobby to sit and wait until people go to sleep so that i can snap photos of them.  that's a little creepy.  so i must give full credit to jeanette for her exquisite photography skills.  anyway, i got down on my knees and prayed to every omnipotent being i could think of that i would not get stuck with kenan or kel as a roommate.  god smiled down on me, because here's who i got:

that's right, huey is my roommate.  and we're gonna see how he compares against jerome.  i mean, when you've been with such a wonderful roommate as jerome, everybody else kind of pales in comparison.  but we'll see.  we'll just see...

gotta go, time for the meeting,

-w

everybody hates buffoonery...

have you ever seen n*ggas in their natural habitat, surrounded by their own?

they're all in here.  in no particular order, you'll see tia and tamera, jerome, kenan (who is the instigator of everything that happened), kel (because there are black people around, after all), huey made an appearance (although you didn't see him for his hair), there was also tommy.  to have been here in the middle of this...here's what happened:

we had a meeting, everyone here, because tomorrow is departure day.  it's basically the last day for the "scholars" which means that it's our last day to have to see them.  it's normally so sad, but...well i'll get back to that.  anyway, so everybody is at this meeting, and kyle suggests that we do a game, which i think was the last thing that most people wanted.  i'm all about the games, though.  you might not know it, but i'm a kid at heart. i play games all the time.  my favorite game is scattergories.  i'm a beast at it because my lexicon is just on another level compared to most people.  so anyway, we're at the meeting.  i announced the 2nd annual FAs vs. the world kickball game.

last year, we were going to play a kickball game against this other camp that was here, supercamp.  well, it didn't happen for a variety of reasons, the most prominent one being that they're actually some sort of cult...

  

seriously.  you've heard of the trust fall, i assume.  you know, where you stand in front of someone and just fall back and trust that they are going to catch you.  we were walking back to the dorm room the other day and were just about to go inside when our ears were just bombarded by noise coming from across the street.  looking over, we saw supercamp, a group of what could only be described as grown-looking fools, climbing ladders.  it turns out that they were climbing the ladders to get into the tree, from which they were going to fall down into the hands of their peers, whom they trusted that much.  excuse me?  you want me to climb into a tree and fall down and hope that you're gonna catch me?  never mind that your hands have been raised for at least ten minutes and are probably tired as hell.  never mind that they'll probably collapse as soon as my body falls onto them.  never mind that i'll die.  get outta here.

why am i so random with this blawg?  oh, i'm blawging on location again.  i'm in the lobby.  kenan and kel are here with me watching "family guy."  shania and stallone just walked in.  i mean, literally walked in.  shania just asked me if i was blawging, and i nodded yes.  things happen.  meanwhile, i don't know why, but i could reach over and initiate move #77 on kel.  that's the one where i would judo chop him in the throat so hard his teeth would click.  but i'm holding back only because shania is around.  kenan just "threatened" me and made me lol.  he said that i better not be writing about him, or else it would be the last blawg i would ever write.  well, not exactly.  i'd have to resort to writing a blawg about life after death.  okay kenan, i'll go along with your egotistical bullsh*t.  i'm going to write that i am scared of kenan.  but the truth is...kenan ain't sh*t without his bodyguard kel.  actually, kenan AND kel together ain't sh*t.  if i tied one hand behind my back and dislocated the other shoulder, then broke my right ankle and ripped my left hamstring, i think i'd still be able to take them with one eye closed.  i'm kidding; i'd need both of my eyes.

anyway, supercamp is a cult.  i know this because i've seen the evidence for myself.  anybody crazy enough to fall out of trees is insane.  they walk around this campus tied to each other, and always...ALWAYS...have a weird smile on their faces.  it's as if they can't do anything else but smile.  like they're secretly saying "help me."  all i gotta say is...don't drink the kool-aid.

anyway, FAs vs. the world kickball game.  it's something we did last year because supercamp turned out to be a hoax.  we just played each other.  it was the FAs (faculty advisors) against the world (everyone who's not an FA).  they'll (the world) tell you that they won by a landslide, but the truth is that we allowed them to win.  first of all, it was raining...hard.  it made the game fun.  poor huey couldn't stay on his feet.  he pretty much slid around like he was on a large water slide.  we started off very strongly, but they (the world) started to complain about how it wasn't fair.  that was when we had to let up a little bit.  we kicked a little bit lighter, and dropped the ball a little more frequently, and ran a little more slowly.  they played at 23428090% and we were at 42% at best.  i think you can fill in the rest.  if you have any questions, find me.  i'll tell you the whole story, although there's not much to tell other that what i've already said.

i've digressed way too much.  this whole thing started over the first video i posted.  kyle suggested we do an activity where we tape a piece of paper onto our backs and others would write something on there.  in exchange, we'd do the same for others.  it's all fun and game until someone gets his/her feelings hurt...in which case it become hilarious.

kenan and tia have been goin' in on each other for the better part of two years, which is how long i've known them.  if you're unsure, to "go in" is a slang term meaning to make fun of, or to poke fun at.  anyway, this thing between them has been going on for a while.  the video is just a minor glimpse of all the buffoonery that goes on around here.  no wonder these things are always so damn random; i get so loaded down with silly sh*t that i can't contain everything.  if i put it in one blawg, i would never have finished the very first one yet.  all i know about it is this: tia and tamera are not bullies.  that's not the term i'd use.  i can't really think of it right now, but when i do it'll show up in a later random entry.

i think that's it for the meeting tonite.  i need to mention some scholars now.  i was made aware of the incident that occurred last night.  apparently, and this is what i heard from "kirsten" (a veteran staff member who knows this program like the back of her hand), a scholar got her tongue stuck in the freezer, and pulled off tongue skin trying to get it loose.  now there are some things you must understand about this situation.  first of all, the mini-fridgedaires are not large; they're mini.  that means that a kid would have to literally lean down and twist her head to get it into the small section of a freezer.  second of all, why the hell would anyone want to do something like that?  silly sh*t.  in my opinion, that crazy girl deserved to get her tongue damn near ripped out of her mouth.  the whole thing should've come out, along with half her esophagus and duodenum.  that'll teach her.

that's one.  now, in my group i had some ignorant muthaf*ckers who excel at what they do best.  "alvin", "simon", and "theodore" were the names suggested, so let's go with them.  i'm gonna make this quick because i'm tired and still need to take a shower before going to bed.  alvin is actually a girl, and quite the b*tch at that.  she is a certified klepto (who knew you could even get certification in that department?), and nothing less than a bully.  simon is socially inept, and bipolar.  theodore is just an a**hole.  i will of course explain this next blawg, but i just can't now.

cliffhangers are awful,

-w

everybody hates bees...

the thing is...i don't really have anything against bees in particular, well, except for the fact that they can be potentially fatal to a select few of us.  to be honest, i pretty much have a problem with the whole of the insect family.  i don't think there is one insect that i can truly say i don't mind having as a friend.  and i know they're not insects, but spiders scare the be-jesus out of me.  put a spider within ten feet of me and i'm pretty sure you will see something that resembles a wesley shaped hole in the nearest wall.

that was my minor point about bees.  the major point is that bees make honey, which is good...borderline great.  in fact, i had some fresh honey (i mean straight from the bees' stomach, because we all know honey is just bee vomit) that comes in the comb, which i'd never had before.  it was quite tasty.

that was a minor point about the major point.  so anyway, amanda, who you may remember as working in the same town as me (wingate, nc), was sat at a particular section in the cafeteria for breakfast yesterday.  she went to stand up, but found that she could not.  come to find out...she had somehow sat in what can only be described as a honey chair.  some jackass decided to coat a chair with honey.  that's the best explanation i can scrounge together...it's either that, or millions of bees threw up in her chair.  i guess technically that's true, but you know what i mean.  i just wish i had been there to see it for myself.  i had to get this information on a secondhand level, meaning that she told us later on.  i would much rather have preferred to see it for myself.  that way i could've given a more accurate account...

i just imagined in my head that amanda would have sat down in a chair to have breakfast, then get up to do something, perhaps take her plates and everything to the dispository (a word i just made up like seven words ago), and the chair would just be stuck to her like it was part of her clothes.  of course, this is all unbeknownst to her.  so she would just be walking around campus with this chair hanging off of her without knowing, and as she walked by, people would kind of stop and stare like "what the hell is goin' on here?  doesn't this lady know that there is a chair stuck to her?"  damn you, laws of physics.

now, i didn't want to do this, but i've got to do it.  i'm gonna kind of put some topics together here to save time and space and sanity.  i don't usually like to blawg about minors, but good god, some of these kids here are enough to make you wonder.  i don't wanna use any codenames here, so i'll try to be generic.  i've got this week, eleven kids..."scholars" if you will.  they must be nominated to come here, but honestly...some of these kids you gotta wonder what the hell people were on when they nominated these (for lack of a better word) arseholes.

i have three in particular who i've had to put in check already.  they teach us in training to be nice to the kids because we're here to help them and guide them to be effective leaders in the community and yadda yadda yadda...whatever.  that's what i say to that.  it's bullsh*t.  it's not in my nature to cater to the whims of kids, especially since i'm a grown arse man.  i've said this time and time again.  i just don't...i can't...i won't.  let's call them "one", "two", and "three."  i gotta get to them later because i'm getting sleepy.  too much to get out of my head, but not enough time.  sleep is calling my name, but i will get to them in the next blawg because one thing i won't be doing is forgetting anything about them, so the material will still be fresh come next blawg.

kenan is sitting across from me right now.  i can't help but think that he has been talking to kel, because kel is trying to step to me like he's suddenly suspicious.  for some weird reason, he thinks that he's being mentioned in this blawg.  i mean, how f*cking vain can a person get?  of course he's in here.  it just wouldn't be right without him.  kenan, meanwhile, i've heard he got a second job posing for trophies.  let him read that and see what he has to say.

as for kel...here's the latest installment in this war he's insisted on continuing.  we were taking the kids to see the performer and he comes up to me and says (and you won't believe this), "hey buddy."  i could've drop kicked his white arse right then and there.  how dare you step up to me and disrespect me like that?  he just doesn't know that i have the ability to drop him where he stands...anytime...anyplace.  of course i choose not to do it with the kids around, but man, one day he's gonna say something...  let me stop because i'm now angrily typing these words.  wu-sha.  he's gonna get kicked in his chest.

as for kenan, turns out he can't count money.  he asked me for three dollars in quarters so that he could do his laundry.  being the kind and generous person that i am (and i really am), i went out of my way to find him twelve quarters, because i'm great at math and i know my money.  he gives me three of the dollars that i think came out of somebody's nose because they were absolutely filthy.  i had to obviously sanitize them, and check them to see if they were authentic...legal.  they were (lucky for him, because i gets funny when it comes to my money), and he got the quarters.  he accuses me of not giving him all the quarters.

kenan: hold up, wesley.  is this three dollars?
wesley: yes, it's three dollars.  can you count?
kenan: it look like it don't add up.
wesley: it LOOKS like is DOESN'T add up.  but yes, it's twelve quarters.
kel (from out of nowhere comes up and steps to me like some sycophantic bodyguard): wait a minute.  is there a problem here?
wesley: get out of my face or be picking up your teeth off the floor.
kenan: alright, alright, it's all here.

look at this n*gga in his natural habitat...sleepin' like he doesn't have a job to do.  meanwhile, he left a giant (in comparison to his size) sweat stain on the couch...he was outside claiming to have tore everybody up in the basketball....catchin' bullets with his teeth? n*gga please.

i feel like i'm the only sane person in this whole building sometimes.  if it weren't for shania, i don't know what i'd do.

oh...last thing and then i'm gone for the nite.  it has been confirmed.  tia and tamera cheat at spades.  and when i say cheat, i don't mean like a little fly by here and there.  i mean...

jerome: i just dealt.  you start, tia.
tia: okay, i'm going to play my ace of hearts now. [plays the ace of hearts]
kel (who can't play well): it's my turn now. [follows suit]
tamera: then i'm gonna play.  [follows suit]
jerome: and i'll go last. [follows suit]

i really just put that excerpt in to establish the order in which they were playing.  here's how things unfolded later...let me set the scene a little.  jerome and kel are in the lead, and they need one more book (black folks call it "book" and white folks call it "trick") to win, but as usual, tia and tamera, otherwise known collectively as the doublemint twins (shout out to huey), aren't going for that.

tia: what led? [clubs led]
jerome: uh uh, you can't talk the table.  you just gotta play.
tamera: he's right.  girl, i feel like hittin' the clubs tonight.  what about you?
tia: yeah, that sounds like a plan.  when you wanna go?
tamera: i don't know.  i don't have many things to wear, but whatever i decide to put on, you might can cut in and see how it goes.
kel: what club are you going to? [everyone looks at him with a quizzical expression]
tia: so, basically you're saying that i should play any club because you're going to cut it with a spade, thereby giving us the book.
tamera: yes.
jerome: seriously?  y'all just gon' talk the board in front of us like that?  man, y'all some cheaters
kel: when are we goin' to the club?
everybody: shut up, kel.
kel: i just thought we were goin' clubbin'.
me: [sighing in my sleep because i felt this happen in my soul]

it was terrible.  but now there's hard evidence that those two cheat in spades.  i knew it, i just knew it.  now it's confirmed.  they use marked cards.  the story is finally told.

be wary of people who strongly favor each other about the face,

-w

everybody hates sharks...

okay, this was a typical group get together here at our camp.  the kids don't matter in this video...at all.  they're like the point system in "whose line is it anyway"...that's right, the kids can be likened to a jamaican bobsled team: useless.

anyway, this particular cheer was led by a few of our team.  i can't mention too many names for fear that they will tie their codenames with their actual selves, but i think this is a great time to introduce "kyle," one of our higher-ups.  more on him and the other characters here later.  it's late and the spades game is over.  worry not, friends, for there will be more.  all this sh*t is still in my head.

bye,

-w

everybody hates bugs...

before i start, i have a disclaimer.  are you ready?  are you ready for the disclaimer that i have for you?  are you sure that you're ready?  because i don't know if you're ready for it.  i'm afraid that it will blow your mind.  literally, your mind just might be blown.  i don't want you to blow it...by "it" i mean your mind of course.  well...i've got some news that's gonna make you scream, holler, and jump for joy...and the batteries are not included.  i just "lol"ed.  okay, you dragged it out of me...i have like eight blawgs of information just jammed in my head from everything that's gone down for the past four days.  i can't wrap my mind around how to organize it, so this may be a bit random, although i'm gonna try...

so, the bestest thing by far that's happened to me so far on my cross country adventure has been my side trip to see "james."  who is james?  i'm not gonna lie...he's the best thing to hit the streets since the scion xb.  if jerome is brilliant (which he is), james is awesome.  we met last year when it my first time here.  he was my trainer.  i was sat somewhere randomly in the room, as we all were, and for whatever reason i was talking about something to someone else, and he came up to me and introduced himself:

james: hi, are you wesley?
me: yes.
james: great.  i'm james, i'm gonna be your strand trainer this week.
me: okay.
james: cool, well i'm looking forward to it.  see you in a bit.
me: okay.

get this...after we became BFFs, he told me that his first impression of me was that i was a total douche.  i just couldn't believe it.  why would...scratch that...how could anyone think that this wesley could be anything but what i am?  and what i am not is a douche.  anyway...that blew over and he quickly realized the error of his ways.  he saw that i was in fact, cool beyond comparison.  so, he's like the big brother that i never had, and i got to see him this past weekend.  i finally met the wife in-law, "red," and...and...my godson.

obviously the idiot on the left is james.  the boy is my godson.  he's hilarious, and he makes the best faces.  he was crawling around, and his hand slipped on a shirt so he pretty much face planted.  he came up with the most interesting face i've seen in a while.  it made me lol.  james and i spent pretty much the whole weekend playing heroclix, which for some strange reason i had never known.  how could i have never known about this game?  it was awesome.  james gave me a present...my very first heroclix.  it's john stewart, the black green lantern.  he's great, and now so am i.  i was sad to leave them, but the show must go on.  james tried to make fire.  i wanted to post video of it, but it never happened, and the only thing i got to see was how thousands of insect bites look.  good god, mosquitoes love dark meat...or rather they love succulent, juicy, moist, tender, delicious roasted meat.  what can i say?

so that was my trip with james.  he's got the coolest man cave, but it's an attic.  it's a man-attic.  pure greatness.

out,

-w

everybody hates number two...

it's sofa king (say it right and you'll get it...) hot outside here in winston-salem that i literally can't breathe.  i have to have an oxygen tank with me at pretty much all times, otherwise i would just die.  it's sofa king hot that i start sweating just thinking about having to go outside.  that's how hot it is.  my sweat starts to sweat.  it's awful.  my drawers be soaked with butt sweat, and you know how uncomfortable it is to have to walk about somewhere with wet, sweaty drawers.  it's borderline miserable.  i gotta carry my wet wipes with me so that i can stay dry.  i know that doesn't sound right, but it makes perfect sense to me.

speaking of wet wipes...this is awful and i can't really believe that i'm mentioning this online, but it's for the millions of readers (who should leave comments)...i had to booboo something awful this morning.  usually i eat consistently so that everything stays regular.  meanwhile, i've challenged myself to something absurd: i'm eating cheeseburgers in the cafeteria everyday until i can't stand it anymore.  the reason i'm doing this is firstly because it's all beef sliders.  i just recently found out that the burgers that i had as a child at school were actually of the soy persuasion.  that really killed my belief in mass-produced hamburgers.  the all beef sliders gave me a glimpse of hope, and this is how i'm celebrating.

i digress.  anyway, i don't know what the hell i had that threw me off my regularity, but i woke up having to booboo.  long story short, i made it to the restroom literally just under the buzzer.  it was the kind where you couldn't even pass gas for fear of what would really come out.  i was holding on to the railings for dear life, i tell you.  when i was finished...well...i peed.  you know you have yourself a really good booboo when you pee again at the end of it.  needless to say, i feel better now.

so, there's one more day before this first batch of kids is gone.  i wish i could say that this week has flown by, but it has not.  it's been a slow, agonizing five days, and there's still one more to go...and i fear that it will be the worst of all.  there are three of us doing my particular strand of "creative construction."  there is myself, of course, there is "jeanette," and there is "laura lee."  our rooms can be put in an analogy with goldilocks and the three bears.  my classroom is entirely too small, laura lee's room is incredibly gigantic, and jeanette's is just right.  but wait...i'm the veteran and they're the rookies.  why the hell do i get stuck in the damn shoebox?  i guess it goes without saying that i should be getting the VIP treatment when we move to chevy chase, md.  sidenote, why would anyone name a town after chevy chase?  but it turns out that it's a different person called chevy chase...or so i was told.

i'm blawging on location.  instead of the confines of my dorm room, i'm in the lobby, surrounded by the people with whom i work.  in my line of vision i can see kenan and kel (it's like...where's kel?  with kenan.  where's kenan?  with kel.  where are kenan and kel?  together.), there is jerome, there's laura lee, jakob, halle, and a bunch of others.  to my left are laura lee and "tootie," a rather height challenged coworker with a hilarious personality.  she's not at the top of the list, but she's easily in the top ten of "hood" actin' white girls i know.  actually, i just asked her and found out that the girl is half white and half hispanic.  that expains it.  they're playing "go fish."  bitches be trippin'.

speaking of trippin', tia and tamera put on an extremely amusing performance of a dance called "la touche." um...video to come later.

quick but forceful shouts go out to laura lee, jeanette, and "amanda," who all work in the same building as me...you know...way in wingate, nc (which is i would guess about 29 miles from the next nearest building at wake forest).  they're awesome, and for all the right reasons.  gotta go now so that no one will notice this slight anachronistic blawg...

time's up,

-w

everybody hates the wrong side of bed...

damn, i knew it was gonna be one of those days.  i couldn't even wake up on the right side of the bed.  it doesn't happen to me very often, but when it does...when those storm clouds gather...watch out.

the first thing that threw me off was an off dream that i remember quite clearly.  it was very morbid.  for some reason, i was a physician of some kind (i know, who the hell would trust me of all people to help others?), but i was a specialist in administering the lethal injection.  i had to give a person i know (whose name i'll just leave out of this because i don't have a problem with this person) a shot in the back of the leg and watch as the venom went and killed the person dead.  i woke up with a chill.

and no wonder.  apparently, while i was asleep, a wrong turn on my part sent my covers on top of the A/C unit in this dorm room.  what this did was effectively rezone all of the cold air in the room under the covers.  i keep the temperature on like sixty-five degrees because i like it to be cold when i sleep.  i don't necessarily care for being cold myself and going to sleep.  last time i checked, that was hypothermia.  so for i don't know how long, this cold air was running (nonstop, mind you) all through my poor body.  i woke up a frozen fish stick.  i mean i had absolutely no body heat when i tumbled out of bed.  it was awful.  had i fallen out of the bed, i probably would've just cracked like a vase.

if that wasn't bad enough, i was getting ready for work this morning and couldn't even spray the damn smell goods on me.  it was a good six or seven spritzes before i got my neck.  the sh*t was just scenting the room.  i don't like my room to smell like cologne; a room needs to smell like vanilla and lavender, not tommy hilfiger smell good.  what a waste...especially because i only brought a limited amount.  every spritz counts.

have you ever noticed that when more than three black people get together, white people start to get anxious?  it could be for whatever reason: drug dealing and/or trafficking, illegal conduct, gang banging, or even just conversation.  n*ggas getting together just scares off the white folks.  i saw it in the cafeteria today.  i guess those four hundred seventy-two years my people spent suffering have not quite paid off yet.  the interest must be pretty damn high.

this girl, a fellow coworker whom we'll introduce as "halle," told me that i looked like samuel l. jackson.  i couldn't quite process those words in that particular order in sequence.  i just didn't think it computed.  i don't think we have the slightest resemblance.  i mean, c'mon, i'm a low talker.  that fact alone should put light years between the two of us.  the smallest whisper from that man's mouth could cause a sonic boom that could level half of chicago.  and we all know that chicago is still rebuilding from when the decepticons tore it up in "transformers."  it bothered me, but the kicker was this; i told her that she favored lisa "left eye" lopez about the face (which she does) and you would think i told her that she looked like arnold from "differn't strokes."  it's like two people share that body of hers.  i can't know who it is to whom i'm talking.

update on the war with kel.  i was talking to stallone and a coworker we'll call "pam."  kel was there; i walked in on their conversation, but i wasn't expecting to see him, nor them for that matter.  anyway, i asked if they had seen either tamera or kenan because i needed to ask either of them something.  kel, ever crazy, gave me a look like he wanted more (move #23 must not have been enough) and said: "i'm proud to call you my father."  his father?  well, i know how he thinks and how that...mind...of his works.  so i did the only logical thing; i took my belt off and whooped his arse.  oh yes, we played a very spirited game of "tear dat."  for some reason, though, kel has a tough skin, so i'll be waiting to see what happens tomorrow.  there's always something.

meanwhile, kenan rolled his eyes today and i thought he had had an aneurysm.  that was too far a distance for any two eyes to ever have to travel in a single movement.  i'm such a jeff hammer.

hammer out,

-w